What Did You Say?
My table-mates introduced themselves as the reciprocal protocol
began. We chatted about what we did, where we did it and what we
thought of the conference. Stan joined the table as the chicken
was served. He'd been introduced to me earlier and we'd talked
briefly during the pre-dinner social. Now he was peppering me
with intriguing business questions. This was going to be a
lively and interesting discussion, I thought.
But my hopes vanished faster than an ice cube melting in the
desert. I realized Stan wasn't listening. He didn't care what I
had to say; he was waiting for his turn to talk. And talk he
did, monopolizing the table's conversation with his back-patting
soliloquy.
That experience got me thinking. My hopes had been raised
believing that someone asking thoughtful questions might be
interested in the answers. But that's a rare find in this
too-busy-to-listen world. We're too busy answering our cell
phones, checking our BlackBerries, and posting our instant
messages. We're so busy communicating that we fail to
communicate. We think because we said something, it was
understood. We confuse communicating with understanding, and
silence with listening.
But the absence of talking is not necessarily listening. Real
listening requires focused attention and a quiet mind. It's
deep, not surface. You do it to understand, not so you can talk
when someone pauses. Deep listening comes from the heart, as
well as the head.
Deep listeners ignite ideas, influence outcomes and build
relationships. They're wonderful to be around. There are few
behaviors more powerful in the workplace than receiving
someone's focused attention on what you're saying. It makes you
feel valued and respected because it's clear that what you have
to say matters to them. Deep listeners create dialogues,
encourage thoughtful exchanges and enhance creativity. They also
build their careers.
I learned to deepen my listening skills by using a technique
called reflective summary. So for example, if I said to you, "I
had a flat tire on the way to work and missed my boss's
meeting," the typical response might be, "Yeah, I had a tough
morning, too." Or you might share a similar experience. But a
reflective summary statement summarizes your understanding of
what it is I said. So, you might respond, "You're concerned you
missed your boss's meeting?" If you summarized my message
correctly then I'd continue with my concerns. If not, I'd
clarify. Either way, we'd improve our communication.
So, here's my bottom-line advice after twenty years in
management. If you want to be winning at working, develop deep
listening skills. You see, people who are winning at working
know they learn more by listening than talking; persuade more by
understanding than arguing; and problem-solve more by asking
than telling. People who are winning at working have discovered
the power of listening.
(c) 2005 Nan S. Russell. All rights reserved.