Difficult Relationships at Work - Dealing with Workplace
Conflict
Difficult Relationships at Work - How to Influence the
Uncooperative
We rely on and spend more time with our colleagues than with
most other people in our lives: yet we frequently experience
conflict at work. This is a problem that is beginning to be
recognised, but it is still not being dealt with either
effectively or sufficiently. Conflict is such a broad term for
what can be experienced, ranging from office gossip to outright
bullying. In nearly every single office there are always going
to be personality clashes at some point, and most of the time
they will be fairly easily sorted out. However, sometimes they
aren't and there is often no other option than to resign. The
real problem underlying this situation is that people really
don't have the skills to deal with these kinds of situations.
They frequently accept the problem when it is happening and then
get really upset afterwards.
The Five Strategies for Dealing with Conflict
1.Avoidance
This is the most frequently used strategy along with
accommodation. Here conflict is avoided and when it does appear
the person using this strategy refuses to engage in the
situation.
Example: Someone making a sly comment and the person it was
aimed at simply walking away.
While this obviously is not a good way of dealing with conflict
the majority of the time as it tends not to help, it is worth
being considered as a strategy for when the conflict is just not
worth the effort of being addressed.
2.Accommodation
Here you take the conflict and submit.
Example: Listening to unhelpful criticism and believing it.
Again, very frequently used especially where there is low
confidence and self-esteem. This is another not very successful
method of dealing with conflict, but it will do if you know that
there is a solution coming soon.
3.Compete
This one means that you play the person at his or her own game
and work hard to get your own way in the conflict.
Example: Someone starts spreading rumours about you, so you do
the same in return in an attempt to discredit the power of the
other person's word.
This can be very useful when the conflict is mild and you are
passionate about your stance, but can lead to a vicious circle
as the conflict escalates. Be very sure you want to use this
strategy as lowering yourself to someone else's level rarely
shows you in the best light.
4.Compromise
A much more useful tactic to use: here you don't give in to the
conflict, but work out a solution somewhere between the two
sides.
Example: Someone delegates a huge amount of work to your already
over-filled plate, you respond by taking on some of it, and then
recommending that this person parcel out the rest to other
people.
This is the strategy of choice for most untrained managers as
this is how we frequently deal with children in real life - and
so it is a behaviour we all know about. This can of course lead
to the obvious downfall of the actual solution leaving none of
the sides happy. This is best to use when the goal is to get
past the issue and move on - with the issue having relatively
little significance.
5.Collaborate
The most useful tactic, particularly with extremes of conflict
such as bullying. The aim here is to focus on working together
to arrive at a solution, where both sides have ownership of and
commitment to the solution.
Example 1: You and someone else are at completely opposed
viewpoints over a project. You sit down with them and work out
why they believe in their point of view, and explain your own.
Clever and lateral thinking can provide a solution, which
answers both sides, but is not a compromise.
Example 2: Someone is bullying you at work. You talk to this
person using the strategies below and collaborate on modifying
their behaviour.
Use this strategy when the goal is to meet as many of the
current needs as is possible. The most difficult strategy if
confidence is low as it involves actually naming the issue to
the conflict-creator, which can cause huge anxiety and fear.
To collaborate successfully on an issue such as bullying or
continuing conflict you need to follow a few basic guidelines. -
You must recognise that part of the problem is your own fault:
you allowed it to happen and did not try to address it to begin
with. You can use this aloud and actively take part of the
responsibility, as this will put the onus onto the other person
to take the other part of the responsibility. - Remember that we
frequently don't like in others what we don't want to see in
ourselves, but find occasionally anyway. Be very sure that you
have not committed the same conflict and that you do not in the
future. - Manage yourself during the resolution attempt - learn
calming strategies if you are hot-tempered, or confidence
boosters if you are shy. Try not to be emotional, as emotion
will only make things escalate. - Maintain eye contact and use
your body language to convey your belief in what you are saying.
Don't fiddle with something nervously, don't cross your arms
protectively, and don't put yourself on a lower level than the
other person (such as sitting on a lower chair). - Don't believe
that the best defence is a good offence - that is part of the
Competing strategy. - Work the issue, not the person: this means
addressing the behaviour rather than the entire existence of
that person. There is a different level of ownership for
behaviours, and people will take less offence if you criticise
their behaviour than if you criticise them personally. Never lay
blame, as this will only fan the fires. - If you are not getting
anywhere, ask for further information from the other person
about the reasons for their behaviour, but don't ask the
questions with 'why' at the beginning - if you do this will
actively put the other person under the spotlight and they will
get defensive.
Remember above all, that people who enjoy creating conflict are
ultimately power-seekers who enjoy controlling others.
Frequently this is because either they have suffered in a
similar way before or feel that they have very little control
over their own lives and does anything they can to feel in
control. A little compassion will take you a long way both in
resolving the situation and in putting it behind you when it is
resolved.
A Final Word on Bullying
Dr Gary Namie, co-founder and president of the Workplace
Bullying and Trauma Institute, conducted an online survey of
1,000 people who claimed to have been bullied at work, finding
that 37% were eventually fired, and 33% quit their jobs. In a
reversal of the typical childhood bullying scenario, in which
unpopular and apparently weak kids are picked on most, adult
victims in the workplace tend to be very capable and charismatic
people. The bully sees them as a threat, and determines to get
them out of the picture. Most workplace bullies are thought to
be women -- 58% according to those Namie surveyed -- and so are
their targets -- 80% of those surveyed. The estimated figure is
that half the adult population will experience severe conflict
at work at least once in their working life. That is a scary
statistic - and the majority of people don't expect conflict and
don't know how to deal with it when it intrudes.
Bullying conjures up images of schools and young children, but
it is growing trend in the workplace, which is rarely tackled
openly even if you are lucky enough to have policies to deal
with this issue. There are legal options to take should the
strategies above not resolve the conflict. Don't ever just put
up with bullying, seek help and advice.
To learn more about bullying and what you can do about it, I
recommend visiting www.bullyonline.org - it has a lot of good
information and further resources.