Unemployment Blues: Losing Ourselves
When we lose our jobs, no matter the reason, we lose a big part
of our identity. Think of the last several times you met new
people. After names are exchanged and polite comments made on
whatever event you are attending, the question quickly arises:
"What do you do?"
It's a pleasant starting point for conversation and usually
gives rise to many questions or a lively discussion. It also
allows us to measure and preliminarily judge each other. Until
we really start to know someone as an individual, we tend to
deal in broad generalizations and stereotypes. By learning what
work a stranger performs, we start making assumptions about
their values: education, social ranking, work ethic, and
personal priorities. Meet someone and talk for a while and
unconsciously you are assessing and categorizing, much based on
occupational data. Meet a custodian, a plumber, a nurse, or an
attorney. Notwithstanding your actual conversation, you have
made character judgments that may have little basis in reality
but which allows you to fit that person in a suitable niche in
your mental organization.
When I can no longer say proudly "I'm a mechanic" or "I am a
computer operator" my self-esteem plummets. Meet a stranger and
admit that I am unemployed, perhaps have been for an extended
period of time, and I watch my stature diminish in your eyes. I
can talk about what I used to do but I feel somehow tainted and
incomplete. I talk too much about why I have no job because I
want you to realize that it's not my fault, that I really want
to work, that there's nothing wrong with me.
The scourge of unemployment is what it does to our minds. We may
have watched as our position moved overseas. We may have sensed
that our department was running over budget. We may have known
that the company was seeking to cut costs. But unless the entire
company closed down, or relocated out of state, we believe in
our hearts that we were selected for lay off, over someone else,
for a reason. And, being human and vulnerable, we blame
ourselves.
Who has ever been terminated, even from a job you don't
particularly like, without ruminating over what you could have
done differently which might have changed the final outcome. "I
should have . . . worked Saturdays to do that extra project,
been more willing to train the boss's idiot son, socialized more
with the in-crowd." Whatever it is, you feel guilty. "If I had
handled things differently, my family wouldn't be suffering the
way they are." You feel not quite good enough, not up to par.
Your negative mental tapes start replaying in your head and you
start generalizing about yourself and your lack of worth. You
remind yourself of all the negative things you've done in life
and look at yourself as a failure "Why do I always blow it?"
STOP IT!
That's a lot easier to say than do, I know. But, it's worth a
try. Start by listing all of your positive accomplishments (take
your time over this, add items later as you think about them).
Anything relating to work is going to be valuable to put in your
resume but there is more to life than work so look at other
areas too. If your children are not in jail or strung out on
drugs, include "good parenting skills" in your list -- you must
be doing something right. Include major activities: taking night
classes while continuing to work, coaching little league,
volunteering for a charity drive, running a household while
working full time. When you run out of major areas, start
concentrating on smaller items such as cleaning the house,
taking your parents out for a special dinner, losing those 10
pounds which had been bothering you. KEEP ON LISTING until you
have pages of positive personal accomplishments over your
lifetime, from an A grade in kindergarten to painting the patio
last week.
Now compare the list of your positives, all the things that make
you what and who you are, the things that make you a valuable
and unique human being, and the one item, no current job, that
is your primary negative. There really is no comparison at all,
is there? Move your mental focus from those old negative tapes
by concentrating on all (and there are a lot) of your positives.
Keep repeating and redirecting until habit kicks in and your
mental outlook slowly changes.
Your self-esteem will improve, your self-confidence reassert
itself, your belief in your own worth blossom. Now you are ready
to tackle the demands of job search with higher energy and
without that baggage you've been hauling around for too, too
long.