Stretch Your Soul This Year!
Christmas has touched our heart as it does every year. It is the
season when people show the best of humanity. During this season
we step up to the plate. At no other time are we so compelled to
make donations, adopt a pet, tip the waiter and let others
change lanes. We are ready to connect and share our love.
Christmas is the season of relationships and a time when we take
stock. For singles, having no "significant other" with whom to
share Christmas can be a paramount concern. This year again,
many couples that have lived in emotional distance were trying
to bridge the gap. However, their efforts to re-connect competed
with the material and social distractions of the holidays.
Before they knew it, they "toasted-in" the New Year and got back
to their old ways. Let's make Christmas count and carry our love
and compassion forward. Let's give of ourselves, instead of
giving things. Let's care about others, instead of ourselves.
Let's give our hearts to those we love. Love is always right in
front of us and it is up to us to embrace it.
How do we prevent ourselves from getting back to our old ways?
How do we stop resentment and anger from sneaking into our
relationships again? Many couples need to overcome the vicious
cycle of unresolved conflict and rekindle the flame. Regardless
of who we are, most of us are yearning for more respect,
compassion, closeness, intimacy and sex.
Many are familiar with this scenario: after two years of dating
Andy and Silvia moved in together. The initial excitement soon
became overshadowed by arguments and resentment. It also became
unusually quiet in the bedroom. What extinguished their flame?
Surprisingly, they each have a different perspective of what
went wrong:
Andy: When I come home I want to relax. It irritates me when
Silvia chats on the phone with her friends. I can't cook and
take-out is fine. Silvia is into health food, exercise and
conscious living. She wants to discuss politics, social issues
and our relationship. Nothing is good enough for her anymore
including me. We used to have fun, but now everything is an
effort.
Silvia: I want to do things and experience life. I want to grow
with my partner. Andy wants to hang out and unless Andy opens
his mind, our life will consist of work, TV, take-out and
silence. No wonder I talk to my friends or go to the gym by
myself. I feel distant from Andy and have lost the connection.
Andy and Silvia seem to have different expectations, values and
goals. This is common after the initial excitement has worn off.
Andy is tired of talking and Silvia is exhausted from trying.
Blame has taken the place of communication. They need to talk
about to what extent they are both willing to change. What are
they willing to do for their relationship? Along the same line
is a phenomenon involving baby boomer couples. After 20 years of
marriage with children gone, women seek more emotional
connection and romance with their husbands. The debate goes
something like this:
Barbara: I work part time. Our son studies in Australia and most
of my family live in Holland. My husband Mark works long hours
and most weekends. He comes home exhausted and wants to be left
alone. I wonder why I am married?
Mark: Why is she complaining? Can't she appreciate that I am
doing the best I can? I am not sure what all this relationship
talk will do, except make me angry and frustrated.
In our examples, both women are missing a vital part in their
relationships and both men feel criticized. Both couples are
frustrated and unable to foster positive change. It is all about
change! We need to change and become better people for each
other. Relationships change and we need to change because of
them! In the movie, Notebook, Noah said: "If it is love, it
weakens your soul and you grow stronger in love." A great line
for a movie, but in real life, it scares us! In our
relationships we need to be vulnerable and emotionally available
to each other. In our restless and distracting lives, we view
our relationships as a static fixture. It should just be there!
In truth, we cannot be in a relationship and simply ask: Take me
as I am! Relationships require us to change.
Here are some fundamentals about change: