My secret formula for a healthy relationship
How many times have you despaired of being understood? How many
times do you repress your despair at being rejected by the
person who is supposed to love you more than anybody else? And
why do you keep those feelings inside you? Because you are
afraid of creating a worse conflict if you speak up?
My best friend, Anne, was at the end of her rope. Of course she
was developing ulcers and was taking some kind of pills for
life. Of course she was unable to sleep and would toss and turn
whole night, thinking that perhaps a new pill will provide
relief!
When I finally met her, after 6 years of being distant because
of geography, I could not recognize my old friend in this
frazzled person I had in front of me. She looked older and
spent. It took me some time before I had the courage to ask:
What is happening to you? And she said "I don't know how to face
my husband with the zillion things that harass me in his
behaviour, but I'm so angry at him that I could explode any
time!"
What happens is that Anne doesn't know how to confront him, she
is afraid of his resistance and probably strong denial and thus
she leaves a bad situation to escalate into a worst one, where
her anger sits in a bed of despair and contempt. Or course, at
this time, there is little love or respect left in her for her
husband, who is oblivious to the depth of her negative feelings,
of course! He thinks that she has stress ulcers! It took some
private meetings with her to get to the bottom of her feelings
and ask the question:
"Why is that you don't confront him with his negative
behaviour"? And her answer was: I never learnt how to face him!
Because I was only told to be always nice and polite, I don't
know how to confront anybody when they do things that upset or
damage me!
Is this a picture that you recognize? Could you identify with
this situation, where you have neither the permission to
confront, nor the skills to do it in a safe way? Are you afraid
of any kind of confrontation, even a healthy one to defend
yourself?
This is partially true: if you confront without knowing how to,
in a respectful but firm way, you can get a worse response, and
so confirm your fears. But, where does not doing a confrontation
leave us? If we can't confront, we stay frustrated and
resentful, and the anger eats at us inside.
Meanwhile, the other person continues the offensive behaviour as
before, because nobody told him/her not to do so! When at last
we do confront, we do in such state of frustration that results
are not encouraging, and the other person, taken by surprise,
can react very strongly.
If you don't tell the other person when and how she is
infringing on you: * You are not in control of your life, * You
have more stress. * You begin carrying emotional baggage of
resentment. * The relationship deteriorates and the other person
never has the opportunity to improve his behaviour.
THEN, if you confront:
* You get the control of your life back. * You are not a passive
victim. * Stress level improves. * Mental health goes back to
balance. * There is no build up of emotional baggage.
So, HOW do you confront someone about his/her inadequate
behaviour? It is simple, not by reproaching the wrong behaviour,
but asking for the right one:
If you are tempted to say something like: "You are a jerk! How
do you dare to leave without asking me if I had my car repaired!
You left me behind last night" It is better to say: "I need you
to take better care of me. When we have only a car, it would be
better to coordinate transportation among us. In this way, I
will feel that we are really a good team."
Main parts of this new response are: Focus is on "I" and not on
"you," because this expression feels accusatory, and because it
helps highlight the issue of what are our needs that are being
frustrated now.
The problem is described, as it is -a real transportation
problem- in a calm way. And the solution is provided: "checking
with each other is a good thing."
Three take away ideas:
1. It is best to confront sooner than later, letting things
fester is wrong. 2. It is best to confront skilfully, using this
model. 3. Behavioural change requires that we keep confronting
about the wrong behaviour up until the moment when it improves,
and then we praise the new behaviour.