Infidelity: How "My Marriage Made Me Do It" is a Cop-out
Ask someone why they had, or are having an affair and you may
hear something like this: "I have a lousy marriage. My marriage
is dead. There is no intimacy, no sex, and no excitement. The
love is gone. We've grown apart. I can't stand the marriage.
There was nothing happening in the marriage and the affair just
happened."
These statements are rationalizations and fail to "get at" the
underlying issues.
Key points:
1. It's as if a marriage is an animal gone bad. A marriage does
not have a life of it's own. In reality, there is no such thing
as a "marriage." One is "married" as a result of making some
promises and signing a paper at one point. After the paper is
signed, two people continue communicating and acting toward one
another in particular ways that they hope will help them get
what they individually want. Just as there is no "marriage,"
there is no such thing as a "relationship." There are, however,
ways of relating for which each person is responsible. Remember
the comedian Flip Wilson (that dates me) and his "The devil made
me do it" skit?
2. We idealize "marriage" or "romantic relationships" with the
expectation we will get what we want, without much effort to
boot. The movies, popular public press and romance
novels/stories don't help much here. A "marriage" is behind the
eight ball from the word go. "IT" can't win.
3. From day one most of us don't have a clue about how to get,
build, nurture and maintain healthy and intimate ways of
relating. We need 'love 101' and it's not there. We rely upon
experimentation or bad models.
4. If the "marriage" is dead, why in the world would one choose
to have an affair? Talk about jumping from the frying pan into
the fire. It really is stupid. You add a whole layer of deceit
and shame that eventually will result in consequences more dire
than approaching your spouse and saying, "I'm really unhappy.
What I'm doing with you obviously is not working. I want out."
Oh well, maybe some people need more problems and suffering.
5. If the "marriage" is bad, obviously, I don't have to look at
me. I can blame "it" or the other. Some of us find it difficult
to look at me. Some of us don't know how to look at me. Some of
us never think of looking at me.
Tip: If your partner/spouse is having and affair and blames it
on the "marriage," don't buy into it. The "marriage" is not the
problem. You are not the problem. Your spouse/partner chose the
affair out of ignorance, fear or inadequacy.
The "My Marriage Made Me Do It" is just one of 7 affairs
outlined in my E-book, "Break Free From the Affair." For more
information on the issues behind the other kinds of affairs and
tips for dealing with them, visit my site.