Negotiation Strategies Especially for Couples
These guidelines will help you avoid the three most common
negotiating mistakes couples make: 1) Failure to prepare before
the negotiation with your partner; 2) Caving in too quickly to
avoid tension or to keep the peace; and 3) Stubbornly pushing
too hard for your own solution.
Why Learn to Negotiate with your Partner?
Conflict is inevitable for growth in your relationship. Many
people are frightened of conflict because they can't negotiate.
Once you learn to negotiate you won't be so afraid of conflict.
Good negotiation leads to acceptable solutions that work for
both of you and will strengthen your relationship. Your
communication skills automatically improve as you develop good
negotiating skills.
The Difference Between Negotiation For Couples and Other
Negotiations
Negotiation with your partner can feel especially risky, because
the amount of emotional self disclosure required is much higher
for couples than in business. Also, the result may have
life-altering consequences (like negotiating where to live).
Skills Required For Negotiating With Your Partner
Effective negotiation for complex problems requires lots of
openness about yourself, curiosity about your partner's issues
and emotional risk. It also takes listening really well!
Some Things Cannot Be Negotiated
Core values, integrity, spirituality, feelings, attitudes and
trust can not be negotiated. Do your best to separate interests
and concerns from values. You can negotiate your interests but
not your core values or integrity. For example, it doesn't work
to say, "I'll give up my spiritual beliefs for you."
The Only Things You Can Really Negotiate Are Behavior And
Decisions
You can negotiate what action someone will take and when they
will do it, or you can negotiate a solution to a problem of
disagreement.
How To Prepare To Negotiate
Ask yourself how you aspire to be during the negotiation. For
example, calm, open, flexible, honest, understanding, curious.
By following the guidelines you set for yourself, you will more
easily focus on a successful outcome. This is an often
overlooked aspect of negotiation. Staying conscious of your own
guidelines will help keep you centered and focused. Write your
guidelines on a piece of paper and keep glancing at them during
the negotiation. You will come across like an experienced
negotiator simply by staying consistent with your own guidelines.
Before you start the negotiation, quietly reflect on the
following questions:
What do I want? Why do I want it and why is it important?
How important is this to me?
To get what I want, what will I need to do and what will my
partner need to do?
If I get most of what I want what is the positive and negative
effect on my partner?
How can I make it easier for my partner to say yes?
However, it may be difficult for my partner to give me most of
what I want because
_________________________________________________________________
. I may be able to increase the benefits to my partner by
_________________________. I may be able to decrease the
downside to my partner by ______________________. Add other
relevant information that has not been suggested here.
You don't need to answer every question and complete every
statement sequentially in a dialogue with your partner. But as
you get mentally clear about these issues it will make it easier
to conversationally express your concerns and desires.
Start By Stating the Area of Disagreement
It is important to describe the issue as disagreement instead of
as a problem. It is very difficult to say "The problem is
___________" without blaming your partner or yourself. This
actual or implied blame leads to a defensive reaction from one
or both parties. The negotiation then begins to slip like a
house built on loose gravel.
State the disagreement in the form, "We seem to disagree about
_______________." Then take turns expressing what your concerns
and desires are about the disagreement.
Describe Concerns About the Subject
One person goes first and expresses all their concerns while the
other listens without rebutting or defending anything. The
response is simply to recap and check for understanding. It may
also be necessary to ask questions for clarity.
Avoid leading questions that sound like Perry Mason, "Did it
ever occur to you that...?"
Brainstorm Solutions
After each person has expressed all their concerns and desires,
and each of you feels understood, then it is time for
brainstorming solutions. Think of several possible solutions.
One partner proposes a solution
Make the suggested proposal in the following format:
Honey, what I suggest is
_______________________________________________.
This suggestion works for me because
____________________________________.
This suggestion might work for you because
_______________________________.
The Rationale For This "Formula"
It encourages being a good self advocate. Simultaneously it
forces you to consider your partner's perspective and helps
prevent the possibility of only stubbornly pushing your own
desires.
The Other Partner Responds
If the partner agrees with the whole suggestion, then recap why
it works. If the partner does not agree then start with
recapping the part that does work. The part that does work is
________________________________.
The part that doesn't work is ______________________________.
So my alternative suggestion is ____________________________.
This suggestion works for me because _______________________.
And it might work for you because __________________________.
Add value to your offers. Keep finding ways to make it easier
for your partner to say yes.
Remember - this negotiation is only an experiment. Nobody is
locked into a permanent solution. It is only for a period of
time to see what if anything needs adjusting.
Repeat suggestions until agreement is reached.
Take Action
If action is appropriate, decide who will do what by when.
Decide for how long you will try this solution.
Evaluation
After the action phase come back and evaluate the results.
If things are fine, continue for another block of time.
Round Two, Three, Etc.
If it didn't work out as well as hoped, each person begins by
saying, "Honey, it didn't work the way I hoped, but here is what
I could have done differently." Don't start by stating what your
partner should have done differently.
Then repeat appropriate steps above.
Don't be discouraged if your first attempts at this new
negotiation strategy are awkward. This is challenging territory
for most couples. Keep trying, and you'll improve. If you'd like
more help on the subject, consider attending the weekend
couples' workshop "Coming from your Heart" to learn this
approach along with a lot of other practical, innovative
material for couples. It's definitely easier to learn when you
see demonstrations and role-plays. You'd even get to practice
with a therapist helping you stay on track.
Good luck, and may all your disagreements lead you to more
lively collaboration.