Divorce--When "Forever" Is Just Too Long
Are you unhappy with your spouse and your marriage? Are you
seriously thinking about divorce? No matter how you deal with
it, divorce is a messy process. When two people, who have taken
a vow to stay together forever, decide that forever is much too
long, hurt feelings, resentment and bitterness are to be
expected. The first step is to remember that you are not the
first couple to have marital problems--even Adam and Eve had
some severe set backs.
According to U. S. government statistics, one out of every two
marriages will end in divorce or annulment. Many problems can
lead to the decision to divorce. Personal selfishness, adultery,
disrespect of a spouse, inattentiveness in the relationship,
being argumentative, dishonesty, money issues, or difficulties
in raising the children-- all can be the catalyst which sparks a
desire for separation.
It is possible that the seeds of divorce are sown even before a
couple says "I do." Research shows that certain relationship
skills, or lack of them, can help predict whether people are
headed for happiness or a difficult dissolution. Research by
Mari L. Clements, an assistant professor of clinical psychology
at the Fuller Theological Institute in Pasadena, CA shows that
"The ones who stayed happily married were likely to handle
conflict constructively. Even in the midst of a difficult issue
in their relationship, they were likely to treat each other with
respect."
Grounds for divorce vary from couple to couple and from state to
state. Marriage, realistically, is as much a legal contract as
it is a personal relationship. Most states now offer some form
of uncontested (no-fault) divorces which are popular because
they are easy and inexpensive. There is no single reason for
divorce. Sometimes, couples simply grow apart.
No matter what the cause of divorce, the key to a successful
divorce is communication. This means removing your emotions.
Many times, couples facing divorce allow their emotions rather
than logic to dictate their discussions and their decisions.
Think of divorce as a lesson in patience and endurance. The
biggest divorce settlement tip--focus on the long-term outcome,
not the small-time details. "Who gets Grandma's tea service?",
is not nearly as important as "how do we raise our children?"
Most people looking for a divorce attorney are in a state of
shock. They are in grief similar to what is felt with the death
of a loved one; it is a death of sorts, the death of a marriage.
Choosing the right lawyer can be a daunting task, but this one
decision can determine the outcome of your divorce and, indeed,
your future life. An uncontested, or no-fault divorce, can be
dealt with quickly and cheaply if both partners agree to
separate amicably. Unfortunately, this is seldom the case.
Many specifics of a divorce settlement are likely to get ugly.
Child custody, visitation rights, property ownership, alimony,
child support payments, attorney costs--all of these are going
to be difficult roadblocks. Divorce is not easy for anyone. When
you lose a limb, even when it is numb from nerve damage, it is
still a difficult loss.
The dissolution of a marriage can often leave people in a state
of confusion and despair. Often, people tend to make irrational
and impartial decisions whether it be entering into a new
relationship too soon, having a continual series of "one-night"
stands, or making large financial purchases--like a new sports
car or palatial home. Try to avoid alcohol and illegal drugs.
Being in such an emotionally vulnerable state, it can be easy to
fall victim to addictive behaviors.
Make a conscious effort to look forward, not backward. Do not be
judgmental or angry at your ex-spouse or yourself. A divorce is
not a sign of weakness or failure. It is the end of a
relationship that simply did not work out. Let time heal the
wounds as you begin to create a new life for yourself. None of
the suggestions offered here will relieve your pain immediately,
but they can help. Remember, tips only work if they are used.