Extramarital Affairs: What Everyone Needs to Know...and what you
can do to help
Recent statistics suggest that 40% of women (and that number is
increasing) and 60% of men at one point indulge in extramarital
affairs. Put those numbers together and it is estimated that 80%
of the marriages will have one spouse at one point or another
involved in marital infidelity.
That may seem like a very steep number. However after two
decades plus of full time work as a marriage and family
therapist, I don't believe that number is off the charts. I
worked with a great number of people involved in infidelity who
were never discovered.
The possibility that someone close to you is or soon will be
involved in an extramarital affair (any of the three parties) is
extremely high.
Maybe you will know. You will see telltale signs. You will
notice changes in the person's habits and behavioral patterns as
well as a detachment, lack of focus and reduced productivity.
Maybe you will sense something "out of character" but be unable
to pinpoint what it is.
It is not a given that he/she will tell you. Those hiding the
affair will continue to hide. The "victim" of the extramarital
affair often, at least initially, is racked with anger, hurt,
embarrassment and thoughts of failing that preclude divulging
the crisis.
It might be important to confront the person with your
observations, depending on the status of your relationship with
the person.
It is important to understand that extramarital affairs are
different and serve different purposes.
Out of my study and experience with hundreds of couples I've
identified 7 different kinds of infidelity.
Briefly, some extramarital affairs are reactivity to a perceived
lack of intimacy in the marriage. Others arise out of addictive
tendencies or a history of sexual confusion or trauma.
Some in our culture play out issues of entitlement and power by
becoming "trophy chasers." This "boys will be boys" mentality is
subtly encouraged in some contexts. Some become involved in
marital infidelity because of a high need for drama and
excitement and are enthralled with the idea of "being in love"
and having that "loving feeling."
An extramarital affair might be for revenge either because the
spouse did or did not do something. Or the revenge may stem from
rage. Although revenge is the motive for both, they look and
feel very different.
Another form of infidelity serves the purpose of affirming
personal desirability. A nagging question of being "OK" may lead
to usually a short-term and one-person affair. And finally, some
affairs are a dance that attempts to balance needs for distance
and intimacy in the marriage, often with collusion from the
spouse.
The prognosis for survivability of the marriage is different for
each. Some affairs are the best thing that happens to a
marriage. Others serve a death knell. As well, different
extramarital affairs demand different strategies on the part of
the spouse or others. Some demand toughness and movement. Others
demand patience and understanding.
The emotional impact of the discovery of infidelity is usually
profound. Days and weeks of sleeplessness, rumination, fantasies
(many sexual) and unproductivity follow. It typically takes 2