Valentine's Day, Fairytales and Finding Your Soul Mate.
Is it really any wonder that we're in so much trouble as a
society when it comes to marriage and relationships when you
look around at the various media portrayals of what an ideal,
healthy relationship might look like. Let's start with a popular
ballad about the expectations you might have of your soul mate:
"I don't care who you are, where you're from Or what you did,
as long as you love me."
What a beauty! Talk about co-dependent low self-esteem as the
end goal.
Then there's the big line from the movie Jerry McGuire:
"You complete me."
What is that? Are we really walking around as pieces of a soul
mate jigsaw puzzle, waiting to find our missing piece in the
form of another person or be doomed to a life with our
incomplete self? I don't think so.
Now before I go any further, the point here is not to destroy
your enjoyment of popular songs (that I can admit to humming
along with) or movies (that I actually enjoyed). Rather, I want
you to put them into some much needed perspective.
They're fictional, these stories didn't happen, they're not
true. And it's a good thing too!
Go back to the song's lyrics for a moment and read them again
and imagine what that relationship might look like. And this
time don't sing the lyrics, just read them as a statement.
I love this exercise, because when you take the message out of
the context it was presented to you, well, it's not quite so
romantic is it?
Unfortunately, as a society we're taking this form of
subconscious relationship advice in by the truckload. We don't
examine the actual message because we're too swept up in the
emotions they trigger. And what's the end result? We have a
society where the popular belief is that fairytales can come
true.
I'm sorry, but the fact that it is theoretically possible for a
street prostitute to end up with a handsome billionaire as in
Pretty Woman, is not a good reason to wait around for your own
knight in shining armor to come riding into town on a white
horse. Likewise, it's very doubtful that a sweet princess of a
woman is going to magically see through your outwardly
destructive behavior, to the man for all seasons that lies
within.
And then there's the doozie that we've all fallen for in one
relationship or another, that "love" will conquer all. The
Beatles lied when they told us "All You Need is Love", because
they left out all of the other components that you need in order
to find, and keep your true soul mate.
You're going to need to be very, very clear on exactly the type
of person you want in your life, the kind of values they would
have (as well as clearly knowing your own values).
You'll need to have a healthy and developed sense of respect,
for yourself first, and then for the person you're inviting into
your life.
You'll need to master the art of direct, truthful and sincere
communication and be prepared to hold yourself accountable for
using it.
You'll also need trust. Trust in you, and trust in your partner
with a clear understanding of your mutual agreements and the
consequences for breaking them.
And of course you'll need to learn the techniques necessary to
apply all of these components with your partner.
We claim to all want rich, loving relationships, yet it's been
my experience that people are mostly treating their relationship
like it were a game of chance. Think of it like this; finding
your true soul mate and creating your ideal relationship is the
equivalent of playing a round of golf with someone and each of
you shooting par on every hole ... does it make sense to try to
do this without taking lessons or instruction from someone who
has played to that level before?
Of course not.
You don't get lucky or unlucky in love. You either get the
necessary knowledge, and through its application create what
might look like "luck" to an outsider, or you continue to enter
into relationships hoping that the next one will be "the one" or
that the one you're in currently will spontaneously evolve into
the relationship of your dreams.
Your soul mate is out there, you just need to decide how
important it is that you find them.