Single Mothers and Dating
There will be a time when the pain of divorce or breakup has
lessened and being single again feels more normal. This is when
you start to notice men again as potential partners. Your
friends start trying to fix you up and you begin to consider
going out to meet new people... of the opposite sex. Despite
your early protests about never wanting another relationship,
you are beginning to think about dating. While shared custody is
becoming more acceptable, most divorced women still have full
custody of their children. With traditional visitation, single
women with children may have every other weekend available to
date. Women who do not have a co parent have even less time to
devote to dating. What do single mothers do about dating when
they have children at home?
If possible, plan your dates and your single social life for
when the children are with their father. For casual dating, or
going out with friends, a schedule of every other weekend is a
good one. It allows a good balance between responsibilities to
the children and your new life as a single woman. It also builds
in a structure to help a newly single woman slow down and take
her time meeting just the right person to date.
When meeting potential dating partners, be up front about the
fact that you are divorced (or single) and have children. There
is no need to apologize or feel less desirable because you have
children. Over 50% of marriages end in divorce, so there are a
lot of single parents out there. You are looking for a
relationship with somebody who will fully accept and appreciate
your children, so you don't have to downplay the importance of
being a mother. On the other hand, you don't want to monopolize
the conversation talking about your kids when you first meet
someone. This is your time to reconnect with yourself outside
your role as wife and mother, so enjoy talking about other
things in a social setting.
If you meet somebody you really like, and it looks as if the
relationship is developing into something special, then is it
time to introduce him to the kids. And this depends on the ages
of the kids. Teenagers, of course, are more able to understand
how relationships develop and also realize that some
relationships work out and some don't. They can know you are
dating somebody special fairly early in the dating process. Just
let them know that you are just dating right now and do not know
if the relationship will work out or not. Introduce your
teenager briefly to your date and don't expect him or her to be
particularly happy about it. Teenagers are dealing with their
own sexuality and really don't want to think about yours. And
please resist the temptation to use your teenager as a
confidant. You are the parent, not their buddy, so don't share
the details of your relationship with them.
With younger children, wait longer into the dating process. It's
hard to pinpoint an exact time, but make sure the relationship
is going well and looks like it's heading toward a commitment.
As a first meeting,plan some kind of activity outside the home
that includes the children and your new love interest. Gradually
increase the time you and your new partner spend with the kids
until they have had a chance to adjust. Hopefully, the
relationship will work and your kids won't have to deal with
another loss.
Give yourself a lot of time to observe your new man with the
kids. Look for red flags. Remember, this person is on his best
behavior with your kids, and if you see problems now, there will
definitely be problems later. By all means, don't have casual
dates spend the night at your home when your kids are there. If
the relationship looks serious, be very discrete about your
sexuality around your kids. If possible, leave the sleep-overs
for when the kids are visiting their dad. As the relationship
becomes more serious and you want to spend the weekends together
with the kids there, be very aware of your privacy and don't put
the kids in an awkward position. Remember, to young kids whoever
is sleeping in the marital bed is pretty much a sure thing, so
don't set them up for disappointment by rushing into a live-in
relationship.
Dating when you have children is difficult, but not impossible.
Use good judgment and be a responsible parent. The right man
will appreciate that you value your role as a mother. If he
doesn't, it's time to move on.