Do Opposites Attract
The Relationship Coach: Do opposites really attract?
You've heard the saying," opposites attract". Many people
believe that finding a mate who is your opposite is like
touching two electrical wires together. Sparks fly and things
really heat up. The very idea is exciting: you zig, he zags. He
is everything you are not, and vice versa. So, is it true that
to find your life partner you should "find your opposite"?
Unfortunately, the answer is "no".
The reality is that opposites do attract, but they rarely stay
together. If they do manage to stay married, the relationship is
usually fitful and argumentative. Dating someone who is very
different - someone who may have characteristics you wish you
had - may be very exciting. But this excitement won't last long,
and it won't be a good foundation for a happy marriage. Ditch
diggers don't do well with doctors, social types aren't happy
with homebodies, and spendthrifts are always at odds with
pinchpennies.
Study after study has shown that happily married couples have
far more in common than they have differences. If you want the
best chance of having a long and happy marriage, marry someone
who's similar to you.
Just because opposites tend not to stay together, however, it
doesn't mean you have to marry your clone to be happy. Your soul
mate is not someone who is identical to you. In fact, if the two
of you think and act the same in every way, you'll probably soon
get bored with each other. Here's the secret to a long and happy
marriage: marry someone who is complementary. That is, someone
who has characteristics you don't have but admire. That person
is different enough to be interesting but is not truly your
opposite. If you marry such person, you'll avoid a lot of
conflicts and marriage problems that may otherwise ruin your
relationship.
The surveys' results
When committed couples were surveyed for degree of
similarity/dissimilarity here were the results:
Physical beauty: people tend to mate with people who are
generally considered the same degree of attractiveness. Beauty
rarely marries ugly. A large difference in attractiveness may
cause serious problems later in marriage. Education: successful
couples generally match up well in educational levels. However,
PhD's have marriage problems, too. What really seems to matter
is not educational levels (grade levels or degrees) but
intelligence. People tend to marry and stay married to people
with similar IQ's. Class: yes, there are classes in America.
Upper class people rarely marry people from the other side of
the tracks. Country club types marry country club types. Ivy
Leaguers marry Ivy Leaguers. The prince marrying the peasant
girl is truly a fairy tale. Religion: quite often people from
different religions marry, but the couples who stay together and
are happy together generally agree about most spiritual matters.
So, here's another compatibility tip: discussing religion and
spiritual beliefs before the wedding will save you a lot of
marriage problems. Money: When rich marries poor, the marriage
is over either when the money runs out, or when the wealthy
partner does. Family/children: to a very high degree, happy
couples are in agreement about whether to have children, or how
many to have.
So, happy couples in successful long-term relationships are not
carbon copies of each other. Neither are they clones or mirror
images. It's the differences between partners that make the
marriage interesting. But, when it comes to the major issues in
a relationship, happily married couples are generally at a high
level of agreement.
Take a look at your own relationship. Before you make any major
commitments, be sure that you and your partner are in agreement
over the big things. Then, viva la difference!