No More Rejection!
Just about everyone has experienced rejection. They say it is
our biggest fear. I suppose much of that comes from our
instincts in childhood since a child experiences rejection as
life threatening. Nature programs us to avoid rejection, so that
as kids we don't die of starvation!
However, we may tend to carry this instinct (avoid rejection at
all costs) over into our adult life in a way that does not help
us create healthy relationships.
Lets have a looks at what 'rejection' means to an adult. Imagine
I have tried to contact someone who did not respond in the way I
hoped - or, who did not respond at all. When that happens I may
feel 'rejected'. But, what is that all about?
After all I don't know what is going on with the other person.
How they are behaving may have nothing it all to do with me. (It
might, but I'll come back to that later - see What if it is My
Fault?).
I could tell myself various things about this 'rejection'
depending on how I feel at that particular moment - especially
if it is the third time it has happened this week. I might start
to feel really bad about myself. However, there is another way I
can handle it. There is a way in which even an apparent
rejection can help build my self-esteem rather than damage it.
It is all down to what I tell myself about the event.
The part in quotes is my initial response and the part that
follows is how I explain it to myself.
'They don't like me.' - but they don't even know me. Best just
to move on.
'They don't like what I said/wrote/did.' - fair enough. Not
everyone is going to like my style. I will learn what I can, but
I will also move on.
'They have lost faith in relationships at that moment' - maybe,
if so not much I can do about that. Best just to move on.
'They are too busy' - not much I can do about that either. Best
just to move on.
'They are a stuck-up %^&!' - but I don't even know them. I don't
know what they might be going through. Best not to be down on
them, just to move on.
'I did not really like them anyway' - maybe, maybe not. I don't
know them. Best just to move on.
'I am a terrible person. Nobody like me' - nah! Not everyone
likes me, but some folks do. Best just to move on.
'I don't know' - I don't know what is going on with that person.
I probably never will. Best just to move on.
'Nothing' - that's right. It may have nothing at all to do with
me. Best just to move on.
You'll notice in the above there is a discussion going on. One
part (in quotes) expresses my gut reaction; the other part
interprets the event and helps bring it to some kind of
resolution.
Seeming rejection from other people is really only a problem if
I have rejected myself. If I feel pained by a situation it is
best that I listen to the part of me that feels the hurt and
hear what is has to say. I can then think about what happened
and explain it to myself. If I reject the hurt, then I am really
rejecting myself, and that causes a lot more pain than anything.
What hurts is not what other people say or do, but what we tell
ourselves about it.
How Many of Me are there?
It may seem strange idea at first that one part of use needs to
explain things to another part of us. Yet, it works. It works
really powerfully too. Sometimes I need to do it a number of
times, but often I find this approach of getting into a
discussion with myself creates a shift in mood, or attitude,
really fast.
It this still seems strange to you, consider the alternatives. I
can ignore how I feel and pretend it didn't happen. I can go
into hiding till I feel ready to contact other people again.
Those are not useful alternatives, are they?
Also, I can lie to myself and tell myself that I did not really
want anything to do with that person anyway. I can medicate my
feelings through; drugs, alcohol, watching TV, being busy,
obsessive behavior, and so on. Of course, lots of people do
that. But, it does not really work. We want to do what works.
Don't we?
If we don't deal with an issue and handle the pain, like grown
ups, we end up having to hide or run away. That just causes us a
lot more pain in the long run.
Having a good internal conversation is far better, far healthier
and a lot more fun, than the alternatives. There is nothing to
be gained by repressing our feelings and moods, or by letting
them spill out in harmful ways. It's best just to have a
'conversation' with them.
I have had some hilarious (and very enlightening) conversations
with myself while alone driving along in my car. I have found
out things myself that I never even knew and in the process
cleared up some long standing personal issues - and even some
health problems!
In fact a good sign that you have got a handle on dialoging with
yourself is when you find yourself being surprised by what comes
up. There is a wonderful, beautiful authentic person in there.
Why not get to know you? Not just the bit that society made, but
the bit that God made. Most of us have only traveled a short way
into tapping into our real potential.
What if it is My Fault?
The whole point of all this is: we can only have a healthy
relationship with other people if we have a healthy relationship
with ourselves. We can't abandon ourselves and expect everyone
else to welcome us.
If I have such a low opinion of myself that I don't pay
constructive and healthy attention to myself when I am hurt by
something why should anyone else? If I don't give serious
attention to what I really enjoy in life, then who will?
If I keep looking to someone else to fill the gap (and only
expect life to get better that way) then I have rejected and
abandoned part of myself. If I abandoned part of myself then
what I get is a gnawing feeling of abandonment and isolation.
There is a difference between feeling lonely and just being on
my own. When I feel lonely it feels like nobody is there. When I
am on my own (but not lonely) at least I am present - and paying
positive attention.
How does it feel to have someone avoid you all the time? It
feels horrible. And, that is how I feel when I avoid myself.
That is how any person, who avoids themselves, ends up feeling.
Self-avoidance is what causes much of the 'social medication' we
see around us (drugs, alcohol, obsessions, addictions, etc). If
you want to get over an addiction try being genuinely kind to
yourself for a while. Love is always the greatest healer.
The most attractive type of person is a person who has a life.
Doing the things we love to do is part of what makes us
interesting to others. It is also the best way to meet people.
There is no point postponing leading the most enjoyable life we
can till the 'right' person comes along. When it gets down to
it, we are the person who can do the most to make us happy.
Besides, isn't being on the road to happiness a good place to
meet the right person?