He Said He'd Call Me
You went out on a date, you had fun. He seemed to like you. At
the end of the evening he said "I'll call you." So you waited
for his call, and waited. And he didn't.
What went wrong? What's going on?
Well, let's look at the three types of dating for singles.
There's the type where you or he or both are looking for a one
night stand. Let's not talk about that one. Then there is "High
School Dating", a type of dating not limited to any age, and
"Interview Dating".
In "High School Dating" the point of a date is to have a date,
so you won't be alone Friday night (alas, alas). You like each
other and if it ends up you fall head over heals in love and get
married, well great. But the main purpose is having someone to
go with to the party, or the movie or to dinner, to go dancing
or even vacation with. You're having fun and, God forbid, you're
not stuck being alone. You can have dates like this whether you
are 16, 26, 36, 56, 56.....96 years old !
Then there is "Interview Dating" which can have all the fun
qualities of a date, except it is purposeful. Let's illustrate
this with online dating where it is relatively easy to meet a
lot of people who are also looking:
He liked something about your profile and emailed you. You
exchanged emails, you talked on the phone, you met for coffee.
Each stage is an interview process. The box he checked on his
profile that he's looking for a committed relationship, implies
"if he can find the right person". So he's searching. Unlike,
the "High School Dater" he's not just killing time, he's busy.
And chances are he's interviewing others.
You passed the email interview part enough to meet for coffee.
If he didn't feel enough of a connection, he probably would just
have not replied. You passed the coffee interview, so now you've
a first date.
At each stage he asks himself if he wants to get to know you
better or not. If he doesn't - it doesn't mean there is anything
wrong with you at all. It just means you aren't a close enough
match to the ideal person he is looking for.
So why did he say he'll call? For a lot of guys "I'll call you"
is something to say to fill the awkwardness after saying "good
night". Maybe he leaves it open so he can digest his feelings
further. More likely he knows he won't call, but it's kind of a
stupid way of not hurting your feelings right then. Chances are
he's on to the next interview.
If he truly wanted to see you again, he would have told you
using more than three words.
So you had expectations and now you're hurt and confused. But
let's reverse the situation. He's interested in furthering the
interview dating. But you're not.
What if he wants to see you again will call? Do you tell him
right then not to. Or do you just nod dumbly and think to
yourself that you'll figure out some excuse later.
When he calls and you already know that he's not Mr. Right, do
you tell him so (gently) or do you throw out excuses and hope he
takes the hint. That's the female equivalent of his saying "I'll
call you".
For both men and women it is difficult to tell someone you don't
want to see them again. You don't want to be hurtful.
Remember being rejected doesn't mean that anything is wrong with
you. It means you didn't fit the mold that someone else is
looking for.
If we could all just say "Thank you for the date. You're a very
nice person, but you're not the someone I'm looking for. I wish
you the best of luck."