The First Step To Getting Over A Breakup
Lately I've had a run of clients having a very hard time getting
over the end of a relationship, so let me share some secrets
with you about how to heal.
I have a client called Dorothy who's struggling to let go of a
relationship with a guy who she'd initially thought was perfect
for her. When we first started working together Dorothy was
really angry and frustrated that, yet again, she was going to
have to re-build her love life. The one good thing about those
feelings was that they removed any temptation to get straight
back into dating.
The first step for any client I work with in this
situation is to have them feel their feelings which is an
essential part of the healing process.
Some people really struggle with feeling certain feelings. Some
of us are easier with anger, others with grief. Dorothy was more
than comfortable with being angry but was very reluctant to
admit that her anger was masking her feelings of hurt and
loneliness. Those feelings made her feel vulnerable in a way she
resisted furiously. I encouraged her to explore all of her
feelings by writing a 'grief letter' to her ex.
The Grief Letter
To write your letter take the time to explore what you are going
to miss and what you aren't going to miss.
- What are you angry about? - What are you sad about? - What do
you fear this break up means? - What was your part in the break
up? - What are you always going to love or appreciate about your
ex?
This is referred to as a ladder of emotion and it's great to
write your letter in the above order. Feel free to use those
questions as headers. That said if you need to keep coming back
to anger then please do and then work your way back up the
ladder again.
It's important that you realise that you are never going
to send this letter, this way you can explore being totally
unreasonable and maybe even, what would previously have been,
unbearably open about just how hurt you feel. Explore these
questions in such a way that you can feel all the things you
suspect may be true even if you'd rather they weren't. Write the
letter as if you were writing it to someone who really cares
about how you feel.
It's really important that you take time to do this. Every time
you leave a relationship there is a danger that you will
suppress your emotions due to the pain and disappointment. That
suppression continues after the breakup and makes you less
attractive and can begin to limit your ability to love. If you
go through this phase of feeling your feelings properly then
you'll be able to reconnect with at least some of the love you
felt for this person you've parted from. Not in a way that eats
at you but in a way that nourishes your sense of having a life
worth loving. If you've loved deeply once, then you can do it
again. It takes work to keep your heart healthy and open but
it's very valuable work.
This is the first step in a process that can take
anywhere from days to months and it's a good solid first step.
When Dorothy first began to be honest about how sad and lonely
she felt she got scared about how overwhelming it felt. As if
somehow she could become lost in the feelings or she'd never
feel good again. This process requires you to acknowledge that
your feelings are not something to be afraid of. If you're
feeling sad you are only sad. It doesn't necessarily mean
there's something wrong with your life that must be fixed.
Sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is to just
acknowledge that you do feel sad.
The end of a relationship is often the death of something you
found to be beautiful for a while. That said, no matter how big
your grief is, you're going to get through it. You are far
bigger than your worst feeling.
Two months on Dorothy has learned a lot about her self and one
of her unexpected breakthroughs is that being alone at home no
longer makes her feel like there's something wrong with her.
Suddenly being alone isn't so scary and from this place she's in
a much better position to think about who she'd actually like to
make a part of her life.
Feeling your feelings is the quickest route to healing and the
only way out is through. Just remember that even your darkest
minute is only 60 seconds long.
For the remaining 6 steps in healing a broken heart visit
http://www.therelationshipgym.com/how_to_get_over_a_break_up.htm