Are we dating, or is this a "relationship?"
After months of visiting singles bars and going on a string of
first dates, you finally meet a great looking, friendly guy. The
two of you go on a couple of fun, getting-to-know-each-other
dates, which lead to a few intimate encounters. Days, and
possibly weeks, go by. Things are starting to heat up... and it
feels like this might be going someplace positive. You talk on
the phone at least once a day and start seeing each other after
work. Then, one night, out of the blue, a friend calls and says,
"Hey, I just saw your boyfriend at a bar snuggling up to another
girl. I thought you two were getting serious. Are you still
dating?"
Eeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrck.... as your brain brakes to a shrieking
halt, a zillion questions pound against your skull. "How can he
be out with another woman? Are we 'just dating'? I thought we
had something special. Don't we have something special? Aren't
we in a relationship? Maybe he thinks that this is just casual.
Is this just casual? He is my boyfriend, right? Help...what am I
doing here?"
Uncertainty can strike with lightening force in a budding
relationship. This is a confusing stage in the dating process,
with one or both partners wondering if they are ready to be
exclusive, or if they should still date other people. The
ultimate question is: "Should I turn this 'thing' into a 'real'
relationship?"
As soon as we begin to feel that we would really like to get to
know someone, it is quite natural to suddenly start questioning
the relationship's potential and to feel unsure and insecure. We
could actually be dating our soul mate, but during this stage of
dating we may not know it. Unfortunately, many singles do not
recognize this as a necessary stage and mistakenly assume that,
if they are not certain, this must not be the right person for
them. Why do many men continue to look at, and sometimes pursue,
other women during this stage?
For many men, the grass can temporarily look greener on the
other side of the fence; a man's new objective in this stage is
to stop looking at the grass and start digging for the gold. If
a man is dating more than one woman, his challenge is to date
one woman for a while and see what happens. When a guy is dating
more than one woman, he has a tendency to make comparisons. If
he compares a woman who he has been dating for a few weeks to a
gal he met last week, the competition will be very unfair. The
new gal will not have had an opportunity to show any of her less
then glamorous sides and she will always look better in his eyes
than the woman that he has dated long enough to see that she is
less then perfect.
When a man picks one woman to date for a while and lets her
stand on her own merits, he will find out if she is a good
match. He can start to ask himself certain questions, such as,
"Could I possibly be the right man for her? Do I want to make
her happy? Do I miss her when I am away from her?"
A man's doubts are dispelled not by what a woman does for him,
but by how she responds to what he does for her. It is very
important for the man to do little things for the woman so that
he can repeatedly test and experience the idea that he has the
power to make her happy. Now he can focus on the question, "Am I
the right man for her?," and find clarity to move forward into
an exclusive relationship or to stop seeing this particular
woman and start again with someone else. What can women do to
manage their insecurities and questions during this stage?
While a man tends to question whether he wants to pursue a
relationship, a woman tends to question where the relationship
is going. If a woman begins to sense that her guy has pulled
away, she may panic and question his intentions and whereabouts:
"Where were you last night? Why didn't you call me? Where is
this going?" and "Are you seeing other women?" Each of these
questions sends the wrong message to a man, especially if, in
his mind, he has done nothing wrong. Instead of feeling that she
cares for him and wants to deepen the relationship, he walks
away feeling that she is needy, dependent, and "high
maintenance!"
When a man stops pursuing, a woman's task is to resist the
enormous urge to find out what has happened or to do something
about it. The problem with this advice is that she is left with
her insecurities and questions. How can a woman keep her head
and not panic to her partner directly, and still honor her
feelings? That is a very good question. She needs to talk about
her feelings. Generally speaking, the bigger her panic, the more
her fears are rooted in old hurts and disappointments. Someone,
and this may be several people, has hurt her, and her fear of
this happening again has risen to the surface. The only way to
deal with this pain is to find its origin and face it once and
for all.
In all relationships, there are good moments to talk about
issues, and there are bad ones. At the beginning of a
relationship, it is normally not a good idea to air all of your
emotional dirty laundry with a person who hardly knows you. That
being said, if you feel that you're being disrespected, or
treated unfairly, there are ways to talk about your feelings
without pushing a man further away. The coaches at Ask Mars
Venus are trained to help you find the right time and place to
talk about your sensitive feelings. They are also trained to do
this in a way that motivates a man to give you more of what you
want and need from your relationships.
If you're a man reading this article and you're wondering how to
deal with a woman who suddenly changed from sweet and caring to
needy and dependent, our coaches can help you to determine if
she's just feeling insecure about your "future" or if she's
genuinely troubled.
Not sure if your partner is the "one?" A Mars Venus Telephone
Coach can help you to sort through your uncertainty and get to
the bottom of how you really feel about the person that you
might want to get "serious" with.
To learn more about this program, click here:
http://www.askmarsvenus.com