8 Tips for the Recovering Romantic (Who is Part of a Couple)
Chances are you never thought you needed to be rescued from
romance. In fact, you probably feel you need more romance in
your life, not less. The truth is that most hearts are broken in
the painful difference between the possibility of real romance
and the insistence on the fantasy of romance -- with the real
thing taking the loss. Here are a few tips to help protect you
from the ravages of romantic fantasy.
1. Avoid comparing your spouse to some perfect ideal, especially
when it's the "right" way to do things -- your way. She or he
will always flunk the unpassable test of your secret check list.
2. When you feel critical of your mate, check yourself out.
What's your intention? Do you want to be helpful and caring? Or
are you just trying to control the situation and get your
partner to more closely match your fantasy?
3. Don't confuse "having sex" with "making love." There's
nothing wrong with either one. But no amount of candles, wine
and Quincy Jones will turn sex into real romance. Sex for the
sake of sex can be frolicking fun. But making love only occurs
when you are open and present, from the deepest reaches of who
you really are.
Whatever you do, if you're feeling unloved or not getting enough
attention, don't look to sex to take care of your frustration.
Sex is very powerful, but it's no substitute for the open
expression of your needs and concerns.
4. Guard against the very dangerous belief that if you're having
difficulty with your partner that means your relationship is in
trouble. More than likely it means your relationship needs a
tune-up and oil change. Only in romantic fantasy does everything
go smoothly without attention, care and change.
When there's difficulty, honestly air your feelings. Identify
the problems. Work toward a mutually satisfactory resolution.
We'll show you how in chapter 6.
5. Pay close attention to the ways in which you feel you're not
full partners in your marriage -- not sharing household
responsibilities equally, planning and finances in particular.
Bring to the table your feelings that your mate is not pulling
his or her load or that you're being left out of certain aspects
of your life together. These power differences are often clues
that one or both of you are living out some romantic fantasy
that keeps you stuck in sex role stereotype(s) rather than
building your relationship from the real life contributions you
both have to offer.
6. Beware anytime you focus on your spouse's physical flaws as a
reason to fall out of love. You're comparing her or him with
your ghostly lover. If it's something you sincerely want to see
changed, like weight or hairstyle, speak up. Explain why you
want what you want.
7. Be suspicious if you compare your status and wealth to
others.' That puts your partner in a very bad light. You also
devalue who and what you are. Love and relationship are not
based on commodities.
8. Beware when you criticize your partner for selecting "such a
stupid gift," rather than acknowledging the thought and care
that went into it. Appreciate what we call the "small
kindnesses" you do for one another.
A small kindness is not merely a nice gesture. It's a gift of
consciousness. For instance, say you and your partner both like
pears. You like them refrigerated and he or she likes them room
temperature. You go to the market and buy six pears. You then
put three of them in the refrigerator and three on the counter.
Doesn't sound like much. But, when you are aware of what you are
doing, you are consciously respecting and cherishing your
partner, yourself and your relationship. Consciously give each
other one small kindness a day and watch your relationship
thrive and grow.
(Excerpted from The New Intimacy, Health Communications Inc.)