10 Ways to Know if You Can Trust the Person You're Dating
So you've been chatting with someone on the Internet and now
you're going to meet in person. You're remembering how the chain
saw murderer is always described as "a nice, quiet neighbor," or
how that last "hottie" turned out to be married and broke your
heart, and you're wondering how to tell if you can trust them.
INVESTIGATE & GET HELP
It's smart to take care or yourself. TheCloser (click on link) is a
great resource when you're dating. They perform discreet
investigations, offer resources, articles, advice, products and
ebooks; and coaching on how to get over the affair, how to
choose the right person for you, help with crafting your online
dating profile, relationship and safety tips and more. You can
find out whether the person is married, where they've lived and
with whom, criminal background, sex offenses, bankruptcy and so
forth, so why not? It's worth the money. (You can also use this
for the workplace, for instance to find out if the person you're
about to hire has sued former employers.)
OBSERVE NONVERBAL BEHAVIORS
When you're with the person, observe their nonverbal behavior.
We communicate 90% of any message nonverbally - through
gestures, expressions, posture, tone of voice, etc. If what
they're saying ("I'm single") doesn't jibe with their nonverbal
("I'm guilty"), go with the nonverbal.
The reason it's such a giveaway is a lot of our nonverbal
behavior isn't under our control -- the widening of our pupils,
the Adam's apple jump in men, even a case of the hives - there's
nothing we can consciously do about it.
THE GUT FEELING
Many of these nonverbals (like the Adam's Apple Jump) are
muscular contractions originating unconsciously from the vagus nerve (click on link), the
longest cranial nerve in the body that runs from our brains to
our gut (intestines). It's the origin of the term "gut
feelings," and why the gut is called "the second brain." If
you're nervous before giving a speech, for instance, you might
get a pounding headache, or you might throw up. It's also why
medications like anti-depressants (acting on the brain) cause
side-effects like diarrhea or constipation acting on the
intestines).
TEN SIGNS THEY'RE LYING
1. Eye Rubbing. When someone strokes their eye with a foreigner,
it indicates deception. They can't "look you straight in the
eye."
2. Averting the eyes. If they can't maintain eye contact, it's
usually a sure sign of deceit, guilt or lying. A hard stare is
also a bad sign - intimidation, coldness. It can be a sign the
person's prone to physical violence.
3. Touching the nose. As well as indicating possible cocaine
usage, stroking or touching the nose is a desire to cover their
mouth once removed and indicates deception. Watch out.
4. Finger Motion, Hands Hidden from Sight. You can't trust this
person is really interested in you. The hands are mimicking the
desire to run away. Hands hidden is sly and secretive, meaning
they don't want to touch you or communicate with you.
5. The Neck Area. If they scratch their neck just under the
ear, with the forefinger they're probably lying. When someone
lies, their body temperature rises, so they may reach up to
loosen their collar. With men, it can also be related to the
Adam's Apple jump, which signifies anxiety, embarrassment, and
fear. (present in women, too, but not as noticeable)
6. Closed Fist. This means the person has something to hide,
just as an open palm shows and open, honest attitude.
7. Hand Gestures. Liars don't generally have a lot of hand
gestures tied to speech patterns, but according to one expert,
they will scratch - usually five times in a row.
8. Stoney Face, "Hidden". Expert liars have learned to control a
lot of the "giveaways" like expansion and contraction of the
pupils. So have lawyers before the jury, therapists with
clients, and poker players at the table, so some of it can be
learned. But a good guy or gal who's interested in you will want
to reveal themselves to you. If they look like they've got on a
mask, they probably do. Wonder why.
9. Voice. When someone lies, the pitch goes up. They may also
pause "too long" to answer an "innocent" questions. Talking too
much or too fast may be an indication of guilt.
There's one time when even experts misread people. A very
honest, sincere person who's asked something like, "Did you
steal office supplies?" or "Are you lying about being single?"
may show a lot of agitation, mimicking some of the above-signs.
They're often over-anxious, and are very upset at having been
"accused."
CHANGE
Watch for a big switch when a certain topic comes up. A woman
who's cheating on her husband for instance, may be chatting
easily with you, and then you ask her why there's a line on her
fourth finger, left hand, or why you can't pick her up at her
house next time, and she suddenly:
1. Shifts dramatically in her chair, flipping her head to the
side
2. Freezes like a deer in the headlights
3. Clears her throat or coughs, to buy time, or even chokes
4. Looks away, blinks rapidly, covers her mouth, scratches
5. Answers in a way that sounds like a memorized speech, or it
too pat
TRUST YOUR GUT
Dating is stressful in itself, especially if you're really
interested in the other person. But trust your gut. Check in
with how they're making YOU feel. A person who's sincere and
anxious should make you feel protective (if you like them) and
turned-off or disgusted (if you don't), but you shouldn't feel
fear. If you feel fear, like the hair stands up on the back of
your head, or your palms start to sweat, trust your instincts.
That's what they're there for, to keep us safe.
EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE
Emotional intelligence is the interface between thinking and
feeling, and one of the competencies is intuition. When you're
dating, you need to have a lot of EQ! Don't get swept away by
your feelings, and forget to use your head. She might be just
another pretty face, and married at that, or worse, a Fatal
Attraction looking for a place to happen.