Can You Really Let Go Of Your Huge Internal Struggle?
When I was in graduate school for psychology, we had a fellow
student by the name of Allan who was running a successful
clinical practice and had joined our program to improve his
credentials. He had a remarkable track record of successful case
histories.
One day, in a casual conversation during a classroom break,
Cindy, a student, asked him what the single biggest reason
people did not improve after counseling.
What he said made the three of us in this little huddle near the
coffee machine pay attention.
"The single reason people do not change their lives for the
better is not because they don't know what to do or how to do it
to change, "said Allan, speaking slowly, thoughtfully. "Clients
reach a point when they have all the information that they need
to change in an instant. However, they don't change because they
think they're feelings about the situation their dealing with is
true."
"What do you mean?" asked Richard, who was listening in. "Aren't
we in the business of teaching people how to express feelings?
When you face your feelings, you begin the process of healing
states of low self-esteem."
"Real life is more complex than what we learn here in school,"
said Allan. "Yes, repressing feelings and articulating them and
raising self-esteem do effect positive change, but sometimes the
feelings themselves are the problem."
"I'm not following you," confessed Richard, frowning.
"People often respond to their feelings, not their thoughts
about the situation that is upsetting them. They never question
these feelings. They assume their feelings are making an
accurate statement about reality."
"You mean they mis-feel," I interjected, suddenly grasping his
subtle point.
Allan smiled. "Yes, exactly. Just as you can mis-think
something, or mis-perceive something, and later on, given more
information, realize that you had jumped to the wrong conclusion
or had fallen under some kind of optical illusion, like a
mirage, for example, you can similarly mis-feel."
"So," said Cindy, "while people are open to correct their
cognition about something, they don't even think to question
their feelings about something."
"And," reflected Richard, "They are so completely locked into a
huge internal struggle that goes on day after day, year after
year, that they never doubt that what they feel is how things
really are. Thus, their problem, whatever it is, becomes
chronic."
Allan nodded. "Feelings are reactions to events. They are not
necessarily true statements about events. They are
interpretations. These feelings, over time, become hard-wired
chemically into the nervous system so that a person can't look
beyond them. It doesn't matter what you say to them, they are
only listening to their feelings."
"How do they make the shift, then, to a more adaptable way of
coping with their problems?" I asked.
"First," said Allan, "they have to become aware of what they're
feeling. The feelings are so quick and so spontaneous that they
are taken for granted and not even noticed. Someone in anger,
for example, is fully aware of what irritates him, but may not
even be aware that his feelings of anger are causing him to see
something as irritating. He does not notice his anger--although,
of course, it is obvious to everyone else. He is focused on the
problem and not the sensations that arise within him to make him
believe that he is confronting a problem."
"When you are able to watch your feelings, you begin to let go
of your huge internal struggle," said Richard, fully in tune
with Allan by this time. "You are able to transcend the emotion
and see it for what it is--feelings that are controlling how you
think."
"And when you grasp how your feelings are selecting your
thoughts, you are able to choose new ways of interpreting your
troubling experience," concluded Allan.