From suicide to gratitude; a true story.

Copyright 2006 Sharon Lowell Through my life I went through a number of years where I experienced tremendous loss, rejection and abandonment. At that time, my entire identity and sense of security came from 3 places, my faith and active church ministry which were deeply rooted and precious, my family and my music teaching career. In the space of just a few months, my church and marriage simultaneously broke down. The parallels were uncanny. There was a power struggle within the church that released shocking ugliness and cruelty. The divisiveness within the church manifested an equally destructive force within my marriage, ultimately resulting in the utter destruction of both. Suddenly, I had no husband, no home, no church family and since much of my clientele came from the church, I lost most of my business as well. By now, my identity was a single mom with two little boys, on welfare, homeless and with no faith whatsoever. All of this trauma changed me from the inside out. Post traumatic stress, manic depression and anxiety all set in simultaneously. Fear became my only constant. Consequently, chronic insomnia caused by constant flashbacks and nightmares also took hold, and wouldn't let go. My nightmares involved death, violence, and blood everywhere. Interestingly enough, my therapist interpreted this as meaning that I believed that my spirit had been killed by my own choices and by others, and I now believed I was a dead soul inside of a living body. Before moving on, I must state with great conviction that my church related issues are not a reflection of most churches. My childhood home Church is a powerful venue of sincere teaching, worship and encouragement. The events of which I spoke were isolated to one institution. After several years on my own with my kids, making ends meet any way I could, I did remarry. Only after we were married did my new husband realize what he had gotten himself into. The next 5 years that followed were a living hell for both of us I became irritable beyond belief, and I treated everyone around me like an enemy. I would seclude myself for weeks at a time which forced me to stop working as well. I became so addicted to benzodiazepines that I was taking 9 and 10 times the prescribed amount. I displayed addictive behaviors which began to erode our finances and obsessive compulsive behaviors which my husband describes a "bizarre". My behavior was completely destructive to everyone around me and suicide looked like the most heroic action. My depression and anxiety became so unbearable that it literally brought our marriage down to its last day. I was about to lose my marriage for a second time. However, instead of walking away, my husband, Steve, became proactive and approached my psychiatrist himself with a complete list of behaviors that he had witnessed and concerns that he had about me. Like many people who suffer from depression, I was basically providing my psychiatrist with selective information in order to obtain the drugs that made me feel a little better. I never really thought that there was any real value in seeing a psychiatrist for any purpose beyond that because I was convinced that there was no help for me. This was how I was going to spend the rest of my life. Of course, I didn't know it at the time, but Steve was already on his way out of this marriage. Instead, however, just when Steve was basically ready to walk away for good, he and I decided together that we were going to do whatever it would take to fix this problem. Steve and I agreed that more drugs was not really the long term answer for me, and we decided to explore alternate directions to find healing. Over the course of the next year, we worked with countless doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists, hypnotherapists, counselors, naturopaths and other experts. We tried every pill, potion and concoction we could find, natural and medical. We watched videos, listened to tapes, attended seminars, read books, had telephone consultations with "experts" and underwent many tests. Although there was some relief with a combination of some of the things that we had tried, there was not enough relief to make life bearable for either of us, or our family and friends. As you can imagine, all of this became pretty expensive. We ran out of money, and so we cashed in all of our investments. When that money was gone, we sold our house. When that money was gone, we began going into debt. When the debt reached almost $100,000, we were again, left without hope. In the spring of 2004, however, my life changed forever! Through some connections that my husband had made via his internet businesses, we were able to learn from some of the world's top minds on personal development. I exposed myself to a whole new world of possibilities by changing the way I was using my mind to manifest the results in my life. During a weekend workshop in Montreal, Canada with John Assaraf, who is one of the world's top experts on the brain and how it works, I was able to come to understand the role of our belief systems and our subconscious mind in our physical and mental health. By understanding how the brain works, and how the subconscious mind interacts with our bodies, I was able to learn how to reprogram my subconscious mind in order to manifest better mental health. Although there was an instant change in me that day, I have been able to apply the information which I was taught in that workshop over the past 18 months and I have been able to completely change my life around. My belief system now serves and inspires me. I have given birth to new enthusiasm into my music teaching, and I incorporate my newly found revelations into the lessons to enhance and unleash learning and creativity. I am writing original music which soothes and uplifts the soul. I live each day in gratitude, happiness and faith. My marriage, my family and my life have all been saved, and only now am I discovering the truths which allow me to become more than I ever thought possible, and definitely more than the sum of my experiences. I now feel compelled to give back and help others. I have written an audio e-book entitled "A Path to Healing; A Spiritual and Physiological guide to Victory over Depression and Anxiety Disorders" The audio e-book is an autobiographical account of my experiences with depression and anxiety, and a detailed explanation of how I was able to turn my life around. In addition, it contains live interviews with John Assaraf, the man who helped me so much, and with Dr. Louis Cady of the Cady Wellness Institute in Indiana. Dr. Cady is one of the nation's top authorities on depression and other mood disorders. There is hope for the depressed mind!