Peter Murphy recently interviewed communication expert John Barker. John is a professional coach and author with a Bachelor of Arts degree in Communication Arts and Sciences. He even served in the White House where he worked with the White House Communications Agency.
They discussed communication and uncovered some valuable insights that people can immediately apply to make measurable improvements in their lives.
PETER:
1 Nowadays more and more people are learning how to let go of limiting feelings to improve the quality of their lives. When it comes to communicating effectively with other people what are the main barriers to effective and purposeful communication, and how can we let go of these limitations?
JOHN:
The barriers vary from person to person, however, the most common one I encounter in working with people is the desire to change others to fit our expectations. There are many paths to the same destination; if we release our desires we open up an infinite number of possibilities. So long as we agree on the destination we want - the feeling we want - "the how" doesn't matter.
Any time we feel we want to change someone or something, this is a time when we can recognize and release our desire for control.
The other part of this, is that very often we are re-living past conversations. If we have had a conflict with someone in the past; if we hold onto that feeling we bring it to the new conversation. We brace our self for dealing with the inevitable confrontation and we don't really hear what is being said in the moment. This is why it is so important and valuable to be able to release things as they come up.
PETER:
2 Very often in life we know what to say and yet get tongue tied and fail to follow through when the pressure is on. What is the answer to this common challenge?
JOHN:
We become tongue-tied or freeze up due to our attachment to the outcome. There IS no pressure, only attachment to feelings and outcomes. By releasing on our attachment to the outcome and welcoming the experience as it occurs, we free ourselves to experience the moment effortlessly. This experience allows us to perform at our best.
And, if a person does feel anxiety, stress or self-consciousness in a situation like this, trying to make the feeling go away only makes it stronger. I often use the analogy of a big brother picking on a younger sibling. Why does he do this? To get a reaction. The bigger and better the reaction, the more we encourage it. But if we welcome what is going on, he gives up. It is not as much fun as getting the reaction! And, he goes away.
The same is true of the feelings we want to go away. If we welcome them and allow them to be, it is amazing how quickly that feeling will dissolve and be replaced with a feeling of peace and calm. And, sometimes we can even smile or laugh at ourselves about it because it is such a relief to just allow ourselves to be how we are.
PETER:
3 Dealing with difficult people can really stretch our patience and verbal flexibility. What are your top tips for handling these situations?
JOHN:
Release! Release! Release!
It is important to remain aware of, and release, our desire for security, approval and control as these feelings arise in our consciousness. It can also be important to recognize the other person's need for security, approval and control as well. Understanding allows compassion.
I know I've wasted a lot of energy in my life trying to change other people! It's an impossible job, really. And, it is amazing how often, when we stop resisting how people are, they just magically seem to make those changes we wanted in the first place.
PETER:
4 In the mad rush to get ahead very often the most important people in our lives don