Guilt, Resentment, and Our Struggles
There is a profound connection between the feelings of guilt and
resentment and the problems you struggle with: sex, money,
weight, ambition, relationships, and parenting. A deeper
understanding of these feelings will help you solve these
problems.
Why Do I Feel Guilty?
Before we can start to understand the why behind the guilt,
let's first define it. Guilt means that we believe that
something we are doing is causing pain to someone else. It's
activated by our behavior, thoughts, or feelings that we judge
to be wrong or bad.
Normal parents are protective of their children. But what if
your parents were overprotective? What if every time you played
sports, rode your bike, or roughhoused with friends, your
parent--at best--became disturbed and--at worst--frantic? "Watch
out, you'll get hurt!" "You'll break a leg!" and so on. Would
you have interpreted that as interest in your well being, or
rather, believed that you were hurting your parents by your
sense of adventure and fun? Children who think that their
actions are causing pain for their parents will feel guilt.
Let me be clear. I'm not talking about a parent's normal range
of caution and concern. I am talking about extreme caution and
worry over small risks. But if you grew up always experiencing
irrational guilt about worrying an overprotective parent, you'll
also experience guilt in response to risks as an adult. You'll
feel frustrated by your excessive sense of caution, but most
likely you won't be aware of its cause, and so you'll be unable
to change.
Does Any of This Sound Familiar?
1. You feel responsible for your parents' or siblings' misery,
and guilty about pursuing your own goals. How you tried
placating them, or atoning, in order to relieve your sense of
guilt will explain some of your self-defeating life patterns.
2. You quietly developed self-hatred and resentment about having
to inhibit a normal behavior or goal when your parent
continuously behaved badly toward you. How did you respond to
the resentment you felt?
3. You rebelled as a way of protesting. You hoped that they'd
get the message you were sending by your behavior and change for
the better (that is, you became stubborn to protest against a
parent who was too controlling in the hopes that he or she would
get the message and be less controlling). Or, you rebelled to
prove to yourself that you're your own person and you can't be
manipulated. This type of defiant rebelliousness is responsible
for many painful self-defeating behaviors.
4. Even though you promised yourself that when you grew up you'd
never behave the way your parents did with you, you notice that
you're mimicking their worst qualities. I want you to know why
it's so hard to free ourselves of the behaviors we hate no
matter how hard we try, no matter how much willpower we exert,
no matter how much advice we receive from others. To understand
why it is so hard, we'll delve into why our childhood patterns
continue on into our adult lives even though they are clearly
negative patterns and we no longer are living with our parents.
The negative effects of our family experiences remain hidden
from our conscious mind, even though this information is
critical to changing what we most dislike about ourselves. We'll
pin down this elusive awareness in this book and you'll begin to
make positive changes in your negative behaviors. Finally and
amazingly, many people you'll meet will tell you that they
didn't experience major problems in their families and they
aren't aware of any guilt feelings. And they'll tell you this
despite obvious, and serious, personal problems. Why? Let's see.
Exercise: Now Look at Yourself
Imagine that you could be reborn into your family today. Now
imagine that you were born into your family with all the
knowledge that you possess right now. Consider writing about the
following:
* What would be different for you in your relationship with
your mother?
* What would be different for you in your relationship with your
father?
* What would be different for you in your relationship with your
siblings?
Moving Ahead
Beginning the process of change means beginning a hunt for the
causes of your problems that are lurking below the surface of
any problem. In the next article, "Do You Think You're in
Control of Your Life?" we'll start the hunt for your underlying
causes.
Excerpted from Self-Help for Smarties: Secret Success Codes for Weight
Loss, Love, Career and Parenting by Irwin Gootnick, M.D.
(Penmarin
Books, May 2006).