A Model Husband: Why Does She Want a New Model?
You may believe that never arguing with each other will make
your relationship strong. What usually happens though, is
because you're both human you have different needs and wants. If
you never even notice, let alone discuss (argue about?) your
different needs and wants you may not even realize the damage
you're doing to your relationship.
That's the problem that brought Jeff to my office.
Jeff was stunned when Eileen announced that she wanted a
divorce. For nine years he had considered himself a model
husband, never arguing, letting her do whatever she wanted to
do, and working hard to increase his income to support their
lifestyle.
He begged her to reconsider and offered to seek counseling to
prove he was willing to change. However, he had trouble
imagining how he could do anything differently. Eileen refused
to come to counseling with him because, AIf he couldn't figure
it out for himself, it proved he was hopeless.
As we talked, it was clear that Jeff knew what he liked to do
and how he felt about lots of things, but he had very little
information about his spouse. He was puzzled about her seemingly
odd priorities.
Why would she want to redecorate the living room? It seemed fine
to him. Nevertheless, he was fine with her repainting the room
and putting in a new floor by herself. He was a little annoyed
by the mess and by her being too tired for much lovemaking, but
he managed.
He also admitted he was a little annoyed when Eileen attended
meetings several nights a week, but he never said anything to
her about it. He usually got involved in online computer
exchanges with others when she was away; in fact, he got so
engrossed that he would not even notice when she would come home
and go to bed.
He had no idea what her meetings were about. He was surprised
when I suggested that he ask her, but he agreed to experiment by
doing his best to ask and to really listen to her answer. To
demonstrate to her that he was listening, he was to try to
restate what she said.
The next week Jeff reported that Eileen was so encouraged that
she was now willing to set up a joint counseling meeting.
Jeff admitted that he wasn't particularly happy in his marriage
either, but thought that was normal. Growing up with his
divorced mother, who did whatever she could to make his life
easier, he had never really had the opportunity to see a couple
discuss differences or solve problems together.
Eileen was understandably furious at Jeff for ignoring her for
so many years. She had made many attempts to tell him about what
she needed, but he had never even noticed. Finally she had
started attending a support group and a study group which had
helped her decide to leave her joyless marriage.
However Jeff's recent attempts to listen to her made her hopeful
that he could change. She was surprised to discover that Jeff
had never learned the basic emotional skills that he needed to
create a more satisfying relationship.
Learning life skills takes time, and Jeff and Eileen decided to
wait six months before making a decision about whether to stay
together. Jeff participated in a counseling group, and they had
couples= sessions at least once a month.
Their marriage did become more satisfying, and they decided to
stay together. They stayed in counseling until they mastered the
art of supporting each other's growth.
Being happy together in your relationship doesn't necessarily
take counseling. There is a lot you can do together to create a
conscious, loving and mature life partnership. What you do need
is a commitment to having the important conversations that allow
you to really know each other.