I Wouldn't Have Given You that Style
"I wouldn't have given you that style anyway."
Sitting in a beauty salon chair for the second day in a row, my
mouth almost dropped open as the owner began to explain why the
person who had cut my hair the day before let me down. I had
explained my desires clearly, I thought: I wanted bangs, longer
hair (even explaining that I'd let it grow out for two months
from the last cut), no top of the ears, and no boy look. I'd
brought pictures (three of them!) to show the cut that I'd felt
most comfortable with over my life. I'd been in this chair
before and knew the perils. In one brief cutting session I've
turned out looking like a boy too many times. I expected this
time would be different. I'd come prepared.
But no, the owner explained. They were trained at his salon to
do updated styles, not out-of-date styles. He would never give
me those bangs that went to my forehead. He would never cut my
hair in that style that I wanted. No, the style I was wearing on
my head was artistically perfect. He was telling me that I
couldn't be the "me" of my vision, that I couldn't be who I
wanted to be. He was setting limitations for me and telling me
that I needed to be who he wanted me to be!
My frustration and anger were intense until I got in touch with
the lesson to be learned. Sometimes people might be hearing, but
not listening, to me. People, despite my best attempts, may
refuse to honor and respect me. I might know what I want, I
might be able to communicate my desires clearly, I might even
have photos to show of my expectations, but if the person I'm
talking to decides not to listen then I am powerless. It's
important for me to make sure that what I have communicated is
being listened to, not just heard, and - more importantly - that
I will be respected and honored.
I've tried being what other people wanted me to be - parents, my
husbands, in-laws, bosses, colleagues, even some people that I
called "friend" for a time. Trying to please them, make them
feel comfortable, make them feel at ease, and ultimately try not
to shine only diminished my sense of self! It's never worked!!!
All of those times when I felt I had to be what other people
wanted me to be and in the process denying myself and what's
important to me. Hiding in fear of not being accepted, of being
rejected, or at the very least not being "good enough". All
along, just wanting to be loved, appreciated and accepted.
The lesson I learned was that it important that I express
myself, and take responsibility for my actions and expressing my
needs. But it's important, too, that I make sure that I'm
communicating with people who choose to listen. People who are
not so wrapped up in their own sense of importance, their own
ego, to value who I am, to honor me, and to trust that I know
what I want my life to look like. People who will honor my
decisions and desires - even if they're different from their
vision - and allow me to be who I am.
If I don't get what I want, it's okay to let people know and to
allow the owner to spend a half-hour of his time trimming my
hair so that the back is even. I don't want or need people to
tell me who I am, who I should be, what I should look like, in
order to meet their own personal agenda. It's okay to be me, to
love my personal style and to honor myself.
And if they choose not to listen, it's okay to move on to
someone else. I learned that, next time, I will ask the stylist
to tell me what he/she would do with my hair to make sure they
will honor my wishes. I learned no one will cut my hair again
unless they do.