1. WRITE IN ALL CAPITALS.

People love getting yelled at. They never get enough verbal abuse from their family, coworkers, and fellow commuters. So, go ahead SHOUT AT THEM. Hey, if you're lucky, maybe they'll return the favor.

2. Include your URL (website address) from the very beginning.

While you're at it, go ahead and tell them what they're getting for Christmas and how all the magic tricks are done. No one likes surprises or suspense. Don't give them any mystery or let any excitement build. What do you think this is supposed to be, interesting or something??

3. Write long, wordy paragraphs.

You want to tell them everything you possibly can and it should all be in one looooong paragraph. This is the same principle that applies to first dates. Tell them everything about you all in one breath. No letting little things come out over time. No surprises or explanations. Bonus points if you can get them to go cross eyed while trying to read it.

4. Overdo the personalization feature.

Everyone loves to hear their own name. Make sure you include it in every sentence. This way, they know it was done manually and not by a computer program. Because surely those computer programs have limits of say 20 or 30 names throughout the email.

5. Focus on yourself and not your prospect.

Let them know your wants, needs, and desires. Who cares about them? I mean, jeez, wasn't putting their name in the email enough! Selfish, selfish, selfish