A Chat with Saddam

He never did say why he chose to call me, but for the past few months I have enjoyed some rather lively chats with Saddam. He said he has been wanting to speak to America and the rest of the world and he should only have to call one of us. He said he could have published his thoughts on the Internet, but he prefers the give and take of conversation. Our early conversations were personal enough, Saddam did not want them recorded or published, so I agreed to keep that between us. The transcript that follows is from a recent chat we had and Saddam requested I record and publish.

Ed: Hi Saddam, what is happening with you lately?

Saddam: Things are great! It is much less stressful living here in the U.S.

Ed: You're kidding me, right?

Saddam: Maybe. Why does the idea surprise you?

Ed: Because U.S. security is so tight these days.

Saddam: Now it's you who are kidding, right? Every day, dozens and sometimes a hundred poor people come into the U.S., uninvited. Don't you read the papers or watch TV?

Ed: Good point! Aren't you afraid of being seen?

Saddam: No. Over the past six months, I've had some excellent plastic surgery. I don't look much like my old self, but I must say I have never looked this good. None of my old friends recognize me. I am living with some old friends now and I really don't need to go out much and tempt fate. If you should see me with my friends, I'm the handsome Oriental man. Cute huh?

Ed: Clever, I'd say. Have you been listening to the news since you've been here?

Saddam: Of course! It's really good for laughs.

Ed: This is true. So you have noticed that every day they talk about your weapons of mass destruction? Why can't they find them?

Saddam: I sent them all to friends before the invasion; friends all over the world.

Ed: I was under the impression you didn't have too many friends.

Saddam: It's funny about impressions. If you have been following the news, you know the Americans and their friends come under attack nearly every day. There are just a few of my friends behind that. To be honest with you, I have never been so popular in the world.

Ed: Is that so?

Saddam: Yes. Most are new friends, since the Iraqi Freedom thing. I think it's about ten million of them but I don't want to boast. Did you ever hear that I am a very rich man? It's true. I can buy anything I want, any time, any where. I can buy friends, weapons, cars, houses, anything. But I don't have to buy friends and many of my friends would give me whatever I asked of them. Is that so hard to believe?

Ed: Not any more.

Saddam: To get back to WMDs. I mostly sent them where they would do the most good. Keeping them in Iraq would have been utterly pointless. It wasn't about embarrassing the President and his aides or calling intelligence into question, although it has been great fun. It was just a simple strategic military move. Get them close to where I want them.

Ed: Did you ever get the nukes you wanted?

Saddam: Not the ones I originally wanted for my missiles. But I have bought quite a few neat little portable models. Osama split an order with me.

Ed: You've been talking with Osama? I thought you were enemies.

Saddam: Like I was saying, Operation Iraqi Freedom changed a lot of things. We will probably never sit and drink tea together, but our conversation has been cordial and productive. He doesn't need half the funding that the frozen assets represent, but I told him I'm ready to contribute anything he doesn't want traced. Did I tell you I am rich?

Ed: I believe you did. What does Osama think of your disguise?

Saddam: He thought it was clever. He asked if I'd send him my surgeon.

Ed: Did you?

Saddam: Yes. They met at a Swiss hospital a couple months ago. I asked him to send me a picture. He hasn't sent one.

Ed: So how come you didn't leave Iraq when President Bush said you could have safe passage out?

Saddam: He would have tried to kill me. And I'm not used to being told what to do. You understand. I thought it would be much safer if I waited a while and I thought it would be good to be seen by friends in Iraq. If I had left when the President suggested, it would have looked like I was a coward, a scared rabbit. Why would I want to do that? Friends needed my moral support and I wanted to give it - can't just run out on my friends. Would President Bush do that?

Ed: Not on his special friends anyway. So what is Osama doing for you?

Saddam: You have heard that there are now members of Al Qaeda fighting in Iraq? They bombed the U.N. headquarters last month. I heard they are moving in a few thousand each month. They are well trained so they don't need a lot of them to get the work done. They could hardly wait to get to Iraq. My friends are in touch with them and they will be attacking with increasing frequency. The non Iraqi civilian workers will have to leave, over the next few months, for lack of security. There won't be any Iraqi police in a few months either.

Ed: I got a hunch just following the daily news that could be the case.

Saddam: Ed, my dinner is on the table, so I'll call you back in a few weeks. We'll discuss the news.

Ed: Thanks for calling, Saddam. I look forward to hearing from you again.


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A freelance writer published on many websites and in newspapers.
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