51. Realize that those who are obligated by Jewish law to mourn with religious observance are father, mother, sister, brother, son, daughter, and spouse. Relatives a step removed from these are considered to be obligated mourners only if they have involved themselves with some aspect of the funeral arrangements.

52. Encourage children who are not yet Bar or Bat Mitzvah to participate to the extent of their understanding or ability. They are not obligated to follow mourning observances, but absolutely should attend the funeral and burial services.

53. Mourn with religious observance the loss of some relative other than those listed above as you choose and to whatever extent you feel to be appropriate. This includes the loss of a step parent, or of a beloved friend. This choice may be made even when the deceased is not Jewish, as in the case of a convert's parents. Consult your Rabbi for guidance in this matter.

54. Be aware that over the course of many centuries Judaism has devised a ritual framework in time which aids the mourner to recover gradually from the disorientation and alienation caused by bereavement. This formal span of mourning is divided into four periods:

Aninut - the time between death and interment; Shiva - a seven day period following interment; Shloshim - a thirty day period following interment;

The twelve month period following interment.

55. Observe shiva, the week after the funeral (counting the day of the funeral as day one), in two parts. The first three days, according to tradition, the mourner is given space to grieve deeply with tears and laments, without needing to respond to greetings. In the next four days the mourner begins to emerge from isolation, speaking to and receiving comfort from friends whose visits slowly soften the feelings of retreat that bereavement has caused.

56. Follow specific Jewish law regarding shiva during the entire seven day period, except for Shabbat. This means the mourner stays in the house, sits on low, non upholstered benches or chairs, washes only for reasons of personal hygiene (not for comfort or vanity), does no business, and is diligent in the recital of Kaddish (see below). On Shabbat, however, public mourning observance is suspended and the mourner attends services in the synagogue.

57. Terminate shiva on the morning of the seventh day following the funeral. It is cancelled by the occurrence of one of the three Festivals (Passover, Shavuot, or Sukkot) or the High Holy days.

58. Invite friends to the house on the last day of shiva for a short walk outside symbolizing the return to society. Do this as recognition of the difficulty of this transition, since there is no specific observance prescribed for the ending of shiva.

59. Observe shloshim for thirty days following the funeral, including the week of shiva. This provides a time for the mourner to leave the house and rejoin society, though only to a limited extent. The bereaved continues daily recital of Kaddish, and neither shaves nor puts on new clothes.

60. Focus on mourning during shloshim rather than concerts, movies, parties, weddings or other festive events that ask the participant to be light hearted. When the time of shiva has been cancelled by the onset of a Festival or High Holy Day, the ending time of shloshim also varies.

61. Understand that this manual presents only the barest outline of the laws of observance of shiva and shloshim. Many people have found the thoroughness of these mourning observances to be philosophically and psychologically satisfying, and serious study of them to be rewarding. Consult the sources listed at the end of this manual or your Rabbi for further information.

K. After Shiva

62. Mark the end of the daily recitation of Kaddish and of the formal mourning period at the conclusion of shloshim for those bereaved by the loss of someone other than a parent. Kaddish is recited for twelve months only for a parent.

63. Continue reciting the Kaddish daily for eleven Hebrew months following the death of a parent and observe certain restrictions of social activity. Avoid attending festive events (as during shloshim) and diligently perform acts of kindness and tzedakah.

64. Place a renewed emphasis on life and living after the formal mourning period is ended. Observe Yizkor and Yahrzeit. Jewish law prescribes that the bereaved cease to otherwise mourn outwardly once the formal mourning period has ended.

65. Recite the Kaddish daily. This prayer is one of the most often performed Jewish mourning observances. It is important therefore to note that the Kaddish makes no mention of death. Rather it combines a plea for the swift and universal recognition of God's dominion with a hymn of praise and requests for the gift of shalom.

66. Be aware of the Jewish teaching that asserts the recital of Kaddish by the bereaved will speed the departed's soul to paradise. The recital is equally for the benefit of the mourner, providing a link to former generations and an expression of hope in the future.

67. Experience an immediate link with the community of comforters through the Jewish law requiring that the Kaddish be recited only in a group of ten adult Jews (a minyan). Throughout the period of shiva the law directs a minyan to gather in the home of the mourner to pray one or more of the daily services and provide an opportunity for the recital of Kaddish.

68. Notice that the service is often the Ma'ariv (evening) service. This is by no means a rule and individual needs may prompt other arrangements.

69. Expect the Ritual Committee of your synagogue to take responsibility for providing prayer books and kippot at the mourner's home. The mourning family ensures the presence of a minyan by inviting friends to join them for services. By the policy of some traditional congregations, both women and men are counted. The Rabbi or Cantor will be present to lead the service if possible, though any knowledgeable person may do so.

70. Attend services at the synagogue for the purpose of saying Kaddish if, on a weekday during the shiva period, the mourner is unable to hold a service at home. All public mourning observances are suspended on Shabbat and the mourner prays with the community at the synagogue.

71. Call your synagogue to confirm when the services are held. Some places hold them every weekday morning at 7:30 AM (Sundays at 8:00 AM) and every evening at 5:30 PM., as well as on Shabbat and Festivals.

72. Dedicate a short period each day to the study of some Jewish text in memory of the departed. Given the realities of the modern world, custom and tradition offer this as an alternative for those unable to attend a minyan daily to recite Kaddish.

73. Contact the staff of your local synagogue to help guide you through the traditions and laws of mourning. They can help you adapt the laws to your specific needs.

74. Realize that members of some traditional congregations consider Jewish law to be a strict guide of observance. Others use it as a model for fashioning personal rituals to express spiritual reactions to their lives and environment.

Rabbi Mel Glazer is a Certified Grief Recovery Specialist who can help you navigate these difficult waves of emotion. He has served pulpits in the United States, Canada, and Johannesburg, South Africa. Feel free to call upon him for guidance when making difficult decisions. He is also available to officiate at funerals for your loved ones anywhere in America. His phone number is 1.877. LECHAIM. (1.877.532.4246)

Rabbi Mel Glazer http://www.yourgriefmatters.com