1) Parents need to realize the trap that is being set when their kids asks, "Well, why can't I (fill in the blank)." Many well intentioned parents then proceed to give a well reasoned response to the question and then wonder why the kid blows up and doesn't accept it at all.

Here's a response I believe a parent will never get - "Thank you for that explanation Mom and Dad, I've never thought of it that way before. And now that you have explained it that way, I not only can't believe I wanted to do that, I apologize for asking. Thanks for setting me straight."

If your child ever does say this, call me right away, something is terribly wrong.

Yet as parents we act as if that is the response we expect. Most of the time, no explanation will suffice. Sometimes "because we said so" is the most useful and appropriate response.

2) When kids yell "You never listen to me and you just don't understand" and the parents say "Yes we do!", they are talking about two different things. They are simply "not on the same page" when it comes to their definition of listening and understanding.

Many times, when a teenager says you just don't understand or listen to me, what they are really saying is you are not agreeing with me and I'm mad and I'm going to try and get my way!

The solution here is for the parents to make it clear that while in their family they "will almost always get a voice, they won't always get a vote."

Taking this position exposes the game the kid is playing and helps to put the parents in charge.

3) Hearing the words "I hate you!" is one of the most painful things for parents to experience. It doesn't help that the words are not spoken softly. Being able to see what I'm about to say can be very difficult, but it doesn't make it any less true. When a kid yells "I hate you!", many times they are not talking to you but to themselves. Adolescence is a tremendously hard time for some kids, filled at times with low self esteem, self contempt and loathing. Unfortunately, their anger and frustration is misdirected and comes out at the parents, resulting in "I hate you" statements.

It's important to point out that this doesn't make it acceptable to say. It's not. It just exposes what is really happening here.

4) There is a very common trap here into which many parents fall. It's the trap of trying to make your teenager see or do something a certain way, usually the way you think it should be done. The more you try to convince them to do it your way, the more they are committed to doing it their way. Just as in most traps, the more you aimlessly struggle, the more trapped you become and the harder it is to get out.

A very useful technique for getting out of this trap is offered to us by Jane Nelson and Lynn Lott, in their book, "Positive Discipline for Teenagers" (Prima Publishing, $14.95). Nelson and Lott focus on the need for parents of teens to stop deciding what they are going to make their kid do and start deciding what they are going to do. This puts the parents back in charge by giving them control over something they can have control over - namely themselves.

Sometimes this involves deciding what is acceptable and unacceptable, and then sticking with it. It's really OK for your teenager not to like it. That's often part of being a teenager.

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