The number one problem in marriages seems to be avoidance of conflict. Whether it is not wanting to discuss who takes out the trash or who takes Susie and Johnny to their soccer games, conflict is not something we look forward to. It just seems easier either to ignore the problems or just accept them, than trying to work out your differences. People dislike conflict and that's a fact. Unfortunately, if the things that are bothering you never come out in the open, then they tend to build up inside you and sometimes it's too late to do anything about them.

You have already fallen into the habit of acceptance, and your significant other expects that that is the way you are going to react so they continue doing what they have always done. Marriage is about compromise. This is so important if you want to have a happy, successful marriage. Even though at times, you want your way, you have to be able to give in once in a while. It's only fair if you both get your way some of the time, and not one person always getting everything how they want it.

It is also important to realize that people will change as time goes on. No one really stays the same year after year. When we are in a marriage we need to grow with the other person, even though at times it is tough. We don't have to accept negative, hurtful behavior by accepting change, but rather, accepting the small differences that arise between people in their everyday lives.

Trust is another big issue in a marriage. With everything that is going on today, it is really hard to trust someone else. We need to show trust until we prove that the other person is not trustworthy. It is also important to show that both people trust each other enough to know that their relationship and working out a solution to whatever the problem is, is important to them.

Honesty also plays a big role in any marriage. If you want someone to trust you, you need to tell the truth. Once you become known for outrageous stories and telling lies, it is really hard to become credible in someone's eyes again. It's like the story of the boy who cried wolf. When you really need that person to be there for you, they don't come running, because they have been deceived one too many times.

When a conflict arises between you and your partner, try to refrain from using the silent treatment. If you really are heated, it may be best to take a short walk and cool off, and then resume the discussion when you are a bit calmer. Give the other person time to cool off, as well. Try to refrain from bringing up the past. There's nothing worse than to hear over and over again about the past mistakes you've made. Keep the argument focused on the current issue. That's what caused the problem in the first place so it needs to be resolved.

Before the confrontation, have some solutions handy that you would like to present to work the problem out. This shows you have given some thought to the issue and are prepared to take steps to fix the problem. Actions that are decided upon must be taken by both for it to work out. Don't expect just one person to make the change. You have to be willing to commit to the resolution yourself.

Basically, it comes down to not holding everything in to the point of no return. While very few people enjoy conflict, it becomes necessary at times, and can help save your marriage if done in a thoughtful manner.

Michael Russell Your Independent guide to Marriage