This is the question that many people ask themselves over and over again. The answer is always the same - NO. No, they will not change: No, things will not get better. This is not said to be mean; it's just the reality. At the start of a relationship, most people are looking for someone they can spend their lives with so being picky is not necessarily a bad thing. The problems actually arise when people are not picky enough.

When searching for a mate, people will often find themselves settling for someone they do not really want. Sure, the person might look great on the outside, but is that enough to sustain a lifetime? You have to be with someone you genuinely like. Physical attraction is also important, but the truth is, sexual habits tend to change after marriage. That brings me to the main point.

Sex might change, but it's about the only thing that does. Women in particular are often guilty of falling for a man, loving him, telling him how wonderful he is, but deep down hoping that he'll change. I don't mean little things like him leaving the toilet seat up (though that can be a hard habit to break). I'm talking about the big issues. One of the best (and I'm sorry to say most common) examples I can give is alcoholism. A woman falls in love with an alcoholic, goes out with him, parties with him, but suddenly expects it to stop after marriage. I hate to burst anyone's bubble, but that is not how it works. Problems like that don't go away after marriage. The truth is that they often get worse.

The fault in all this, however, does not lie with the person being asked to change. Whatever bad habits he/she might have, the problems were always there. The person had them from the beginning, so why should he/she be forced to change? The answer is simple-he/she shouldn't. People do not come with guarantee stickers or warranties. When you marry someone, it's an AS IS transaction.

There are always going to be problems in every marriage. Nobody is perfect: Keep this in mind when you are evaluating your relationship. Perfection (or the closest thing to it) comes with much time in a marriage. And it's not a matter of either person changing; it's a matter of getting used to the things about each other that bug you. And that's not to say that these things won't still bug you twenty five years down the road, but they won't seem as important then.

In a nutshell, if your relationship or your partner has problems that you don't think you can live with, get out now. Marriage is hard enough without bringing unrealistic expectations into it (not to mention the disappointment and resentment that can occur when those expectations aren't met). People don't change just because they say I do and their partners shouldn't expect them to. Marriage is about living with and loving the person you are with, not the person you hope they will become. If you are waiting for someone else to show up, then do that. and let the person you are with go.

Michael Russell

Your Independent guide to Relationships