Sibling Rivalry - Lose the Fighting, Not the Love
Are you tired of listening to your children bicker? Do you long
for them to get along and love each other? Sibling rivalry can
be exasperating, often interfering with our ability to enjoy our
children. It may be helpful to know though that sibling rivalry
has been going on forever. Some degree of fighting is perfectly
normal. It exists in every family that has two or more children,
so take comfort in knowing you are not alone. Some siblings get
along fairly well, while others fight constantly.
Having awareness about what causes sibling rivalry can help you
begin to understand this dynamic. When you can get to the root
of an issue, it is easier to brainstorm solutions. Just like
adults, children have their own personalities and temperaments
and sometimes their differences clash. Age is another factor
involved in sibling rivalry. An older child may feel burdened by
more responsibility or a younger child may be caught up in
trying to compete with his older sibling. In addition,
differences in interests change as a child ages. What is fun for
a 5 and 7 year old may be considered immature for a 10 year old.
A child's sex can cause resentment as well. Let's face it. Boys
and girls are treated differently. A boy could be jealous of how
his sister's emotions are pampered. A girl could envy the time
her brother spends wrestling with his father. A child's position
in the family can also play a role in sibling rivalry. We often
expect more from our first born children. By the time the 2nd
and 3rd come along, the rules loosen somewhat. And sometimes the
baby of the family receives very special treatment. Everyone
tries to make her happy when she is mad or sad. At times the
youngest will be overly assertive to gain her equal place in the
family.
All of these issues can play a part, but the most significant
factor that affects sibling rivalry is parental attitude. As
parents, we know we should treat our children equally and
fairly. And most of us probably try very hard to do that,
however inconsistencies will still exist. There may be a child
you get along better with because of your personalities. Perhaps
one or more of your children are easier to handle so they have a
tendency to receive more loving treatment from you. Children
pick up on every bit of inconsistency and they don't always
understand why things are different for each child. Older age
children have more responsibilities, but more independence. A
younger child just thinks it is unfair that she has to go to bed
earlier than her older sibling. How many times do you hear the
words, "It's not fair!" or "You love her more than you love me."?
I know you're waiting for the magical secret to eliminate
sibling rivalry in your home. Sorry - there are no magical
secrets, but here are ten practical suggestions to help minimize
the tension between siblings.
Avoid making comparisons of any kind - not to your children and
not at any time they may be privy to the conversation. Focus on
the gifts in each of your children and capitalize on their
differences.
Encourage your children to express their resentment or angry
feelings. This does not mean you allow them to scream at or hurt
each other. Teach your children to handle their anger
constructively, not destructively. Acknowledge and validate your
children's feelings so they feel understood. Help each child see
things from the other child's perspective.
Have very clear boundaries about personal belongings and
personal space. Make it a rule that no one is allowed to use
another person's belongings without permission. Teach your
children to respect each other's personal space - bedrooms,
their bodies, etc. A child needs to feel like there are at least
some things that belong to him.
Avoid situations that promote guilt in siblings. Don't allow
them to do something they will regret later. Teach them
self-control. And remember comparing produces guilty feelings.
Teach your children to settle their own differences. This
doesn't mean you allow them to have a knock down drag out fight.
It means you teach them what respectful behavior looks like and
how to compromise and work together. Have them practice these
behaviors until they become the norm.
Help your children live a balanced and healthy life. Stress can
play a big role in children's moods and ability to handle
everyday situations. Monitor the amount of activities your
children participate in. Make sure they get plenty of sleep, eat
well, exercise, and take time for quiet relaxation.
Introduce a "value" of the month program. Teach and reinforce
family values like respect, cooperation, peace, and kindness -
focus on one value per month. Use family devotionals, games,
books, and movies that help the children understand and practice
these values.
Spend one on one time with each child. Children are always
fighting for individual attention from their parents. They don't
want to have to share the one or two most important people of
their life. Make a point to give each child your undivided
attention and quality time with you on a regular basis. Make a
family ritual. On Tuesday night, Joey gets special "mommy time"
and on Thursday Sally gets the same.
Have family fun nights. Encourage family togetherness by
instituting a family fun night. Sit down and play games together
or go play miniature golf. One rule: No fighting or family time
is over. Make this time sacred for everyone in the family.
Hold weekly family meetings. This is a time when the family
comes together to talk about their concerns and brainstorm
solutions. All family members are encouraged to share and all
communication is healthy and respected.
Sibling rivalry can really add to the stress of family life. If
you actively implement some of these strategies, you will begin
to see improvements. Keep working at it. The reward of having
healthy and loving adult sibling relationships is well worth the
effort you make.
Lori Radun, CEC - certified life coach for moms. To receive her
FREE newsletter and the special report "155 Things Moms Can Do
to Raise Great Children, go to
http://www.true2youlifecoaching.com