Four Tips To Handle A Child Who Lies
As parents, we all aim to raise our children as best we can. We
teach them our values and morals - don't lie, don't steal, don't
cheat - and teach them to be loving and kind, and respectful of
their elders. We teach them generosity, we teach them compassion
and we take great pride in them when they exhibit the values
that we've taught them. When children do something that goes
against what we've taught them, we're confused and disappointed.
Let's take a look at lying. The first time our child lies to us,
it is a shock to our system. Where did they learn to lie? Is
this a sign of a chronic or deeper problem? Probably not... but
it certainly knocks the wind out of our vision of our perfect
child.
Let's face it, lying in children is normal. Lying in a child who
is anywhere between 3 and 5 years old is usually part of the
embellishment they add to stories: "I saw Santa come through the
window last night" or "You made a pinky promise that I could
stay up late!" Be it reality or fiction, our reaction to these
stories help our children learn the difference between lying and
telling the truth.
Older children will often lie to cover their tracks or get out
of doing chores or remove themselves from a situation they would
prefer not to be involved in. "I didn't throw my clothes under
the bed" or "I can't mow the lawn, I'm not feeling good." Again,
the lies provide teaching opportunities as we gently remind our
children that their behavior is not acceptable and discussing
their discomfort around the situation that prompted the lie.
Sometimes though, lying can be an indication of a deeper issue
or behavioral problem. A child who habitually lies may be crying
out for help. Questions to ask yourself when lying moves beyond
normal white lies to a regular occurrence: Is my child lying for
attention? Or feeling trapped in situations that are
uncomfortable (such as difficulty with school work)? Or is my
child just lying with no regard to the outcome it will have on
others?
Meet the Deer Family:
Sammy is a 7 years old. He lives with his mom, dad, and a 4
month old sister. Recently, Sammy has been caught in situations
at school where he was clearly not telling the truth. His
teachers have been working with him to understand how lying
affects him and the other children in his class. They have also
noted a decrease in the quality of his homework and his rate of
completion.
Mom and Dad have had several meetings with the school and shared
that Sammy has also been increasingly distant at home. He needs
much more support to become engaged with the family. They have
spoken to Sammy on several occasions and each time, he reassures
them that he will do better next time - but the behavior does
not change.
Mom and Dad, as well as the teachers at school, have tried to
help Sammy understand the impact of his lying. Despite these
interventions, Sammy continues his lying.
As the school year progresses Sammy's school work deteriorates,
as does his involvement and interaction with his family at home.
Sammy fell into the habit of throwing homework assignments in
the trash bin before arriving home. Once the behavior was
discovered, Sammy's parents and school teamed together to
resolve the issue. They began by having Sammy's strengths and
learning needs assessed. The testing uncovered several areas
where Sammy needed more support. Though he excelled at math and
spoke at a level beyond his years, he was struggling with his
reading assignments.
Together, Sammy's parents and teachers designed a program to
help build on his strengths and support his learning. Within
weeks, his negative behavior ceased. Sammy no longer felt the
need to lie or throw his assignments away because he now enjoyed
learning and he was feeling successful.
When your child is engaging in lying behavior try the following:
1) Communicate: Have your child clearly understand the
difference between fantasy and reality. Also reinforce the
difference between a telling lie and speaking the truth.
2) Connect: Have your child connect the behavior to the impact a
lie has on others and themselves.
3) Collaborate: With your child to discuss other options to
handling uncomfortable situations without resorting to lying.
4) Be Consistent: Remember, children model behavior they see so
consistency in adult behavior will shape your child.