Let Go of My Leg! Separation Anxiety in Children
How do you recognize Separation Anxiety in children? Let's see
if this rings any bells:
You probably know the scene all too well. With no time to even
put the Cheerios bowl in the sink, you hustle your darling
toddler out to the car and buckle her in. You down your coffee
and worry about today's big meeting with the boss as you steer
through morning rush-hour traffic. Twenty minutes later (and
five minutes behind schedule) you screech to a halt in front of
the daycare center and the howling begins. You beg, plead and
bribe your typically sweet and considerate girl to get out of
the car; but the standoff has begun. Perhaps a couple of daycare
employees come out to the curb to help you wrestle Mommy's
little princess out of her seat and drag her wailing up the
walk. Now you're 15 minutes behind schedule, your clothes are a
mess, and you're so upset that you probably shouldn't even be
driving.
While it's nice to feel loved, sometime our kids seem to take it
to extremes. What is that all about, anyway? It turns out that
the cause of the commotion is Separation Anxiety. It refers to a
stage in a child's development where she begins to fear being
away from the primary caregiver. Chances are, it began when she
was just under a year old, and you've been "enjoying" it all
through toddler-hood.
After a long, tiring day at work, you return to the daycare to
retrieve your little angel. As you walk in the room, she bursts
into tears and comes running to you. You wonder if she's cried
all day and if the daycare center is going to start charging you
extra for earplugs and elective surgery along the lines of a
nice lobotomy. It is nearly impossible to get her coat on, as
she is clinging so tightly to the front of you. At home she has
trouble falling asleep and climbs into your bed at some point
during the night. When the two of you awake in the morning, she
tells you that she has a stomachache and that she can't go to
daycare today.
These are all classic signs of Separation Anxiety in children.
While there are severe versions known as Separation Anxiety
Disorder, the behavior she's displaying is most likely just
typical growing pains, the cause of which is her mental and
emotional development. These are responses to her budding
understanding of the world in which she lives. About the time
the anxiety began, her toddler brain had learned to equate you
with safety; and once that connection was made, she began to
believe you needed to be near in order for her to stay safe. In
some cases, she may have determined that she had to be near to
keep you safe, as well.
Just as her fear of the dark will dissipate as she grows, so
will her anxiety over being separated from you. The distress
caused by the daily display of emotion is draining for both you
and the child, but it is necessary for her to learn that you
will always come back for her and that she is able to function
as an individual human being. Try to take a deep breath, and as
the daycare employees peel the clinging, crying child from your
leg in the morning, try to console yourself in the knowledge
that every parent in history has survived Separation Anxiety in
children.