Over-Indulgence And Over-Attentiveness - Two Dangers Parents
Must Avoid!
We're all familiar with the over-indulgent parent. But there's
another parenting practice that can be equally harmful:
over-attentiveness.
It's possible to be one or the other - or in some cases, both!
Let's look first of all at the differences.
Over-Indulgence
I'm sure you've come across the stereotype: Parents who
constantly ply their kids with material goods and treats of
every kind, and who will go to any length to ensure their little
darlings want for nothing, but have the biggest and best of
everything.
This behaviour is always prompted by a certain lack or need
within the parents. They often dote on their kids, but what such
parents are really doing is attempting to work out their own
inadequacies.
Perhaps they lacked attention when they were kids - and it hurt.
Maybe they had to go without things - and it was humiliating.
Now they make up for it by ensuring that THEIR kids have
everything!
Or it could be that they lack confidence in their parenting
abilities, and have no real interest in kids.
They are unsure how to relate to children, yet have a need (or
at least a desire) to be liked, appreciated, or accepted - and
they think over-indulging their kid's every whim is the way to
do it.
This can have disastrous consequences for the child's
development.
For a start, such children become self-centred, spoiled, and
unhealthy. Often they become disrespectful, since children are
adept at spotting parental weaknesses, which they soon come to
despise.
Later in life these over-indulged kids tend to develop further
problems, such as eating disorders, weight-related health
issues, addictions, and they often lack patience and tolerance
when they can't instantly get their own way.
Over-Attentiveness
On the other hand there can be parents who, while not over-
indulging their kids, try to supervise every aspect of their
lives.
They watch them at play, they stand over them doing homework,
and if there's the slightest hint of a problem at school -
either with a friend or a teacher - they're down there creating
a scene!
This behaviour, too, is prompted by a need within the parent,
usually a deep-seated fear or anxiety about the normal risks in
everyday life, which they feel they must protect their children
from.
The effects of over-attentiveness can be more subtle - but
equally harmful.
Because such children have not been allowed to experiment with
life - to climb trees and cut their knees, to have altercations
with others and realise their own way is not the only, or
even the best, way - they tend to develop fear and
timidity whenever their mentor is not there sticking up for them.
They have been deprived of a testing-ground in which to develop
their strengths and become aware of their shortcomings. This
often breeds embarrassment as well as resentment, and the poor
parents are baffled! They've only been doing their duty, after
all!
There can be an even more serious consequence when the child
becomes an adult: Decision-making becomes a problem.
Taking decisions involves the weighing up of risks, a
consideration of the pros and cons in a situation. If this skill
has not been developed in childhood - if the child has been
deprived of the opportunity - then he will be an indecisive
adult who lacks the confidence to be effective.
The Solution?
The solution for overindulgent and over-attentive parents is one
I keep stressing in my writing: They need to develop confidence
in themselves.
But they needn't despair, as opportunities for development
abound.
If you feel any of this applies to you, check out these
opportunities. Visit your local college, bookshop or library, go
online - see what's on offer. You'll be spoiled for choice.
But take action. Just do it!
You can begin to understand your own needs in a relatively short
time, and with insight into your own psychological and emotional
make-up, you will begin to look at your kids in a different
light.
You will begin to moderate the amount of indulgence, because the
need to over-compensate will no longer be there.
If you recognise your own fears and anxieties, you'll be less
likely to pass them on to your kids by being over- attentive.
Supervise your children and help them steer clear of danger, yes
- but let them manage their own conflicts. You can be there on
the sidelines with words of support, advice and encouragement -
but them experience the rough and tumble of life for themselves.
Knowing you're giving your child a solid preparation for the
future, you'll feel satisfaction in a job well done.
Happy parenting!