If I Hurt You, Then I'm Sorry
This statement has stopped many a war in my house. My oldest two
children are two years apart in age and would fight about
everything and nothing when they were little. One would anger
the other and then deny that it ever happened. One would
accidentally harm the other during play and not want to accept
responsibility for the other's anger. Seldom did a day pass by
that one of them wasn't screaming at the other for some horrible
crime. It never failed when I would be brought in to mediate,
they'd both claim they were innocent and the other was bad. How
many times did one of them try to convince me that the other was
lying and just trying to frame them for a crime they didn't
commit. What's a parent to do?
I really believe very strongly in teaching my kids to be
accountable for their actions and choices. I want them to have
their eyes wide open and to know full well that when they make a
bad choice, bad things are likely to happen. And when they make
good choices, that good things are likely to happen. I've worked
really hard to get them to grasp the concept that if you treat
people badly, they won't like you. Also, don't mess with other
people's stuff without asking. Doesn't matter if you are a
beautiful child of God. Nobody will want to hang out with you.
Simple facts of life, but I don't see it being taught as much as
I'd like. They say that we learn our social skills from our
siblings and the neighborhood kids. We role model what our
parents show us, but we practice it on our peers.
One of the things I hated most in my own childhood was being
forced to apologize for things I didn't do. I also hated being
forced to apologize when I was simply defending my person or my
property from a known attacker, mainly my younger sister and
brother. I have also had too many adults in my life apologize
for things they were not sorry for and then later they just
repeat the same actions over and over again. When people say
they're sorry, I often think to myself, "Good then don't do it
again." Changing the behavior is so much more important to me
then just offering up the words, "I'm sorry." I wanted to teach
my children that you should never offer fake apologies and you
should only apologize when you really mean it. However, I also
wanted them to take responsibility for the environment of anger
that they were helping to create. Somehow I had to find the
perfect peace-making face-saving way to teach all of these
concepts.
What I finally stumbled across was a twisted compromise. When
you are feeling falsely accused of something and the other
person won't back down, then you simply say, "If I hurt you,
then I'm sorry." Then you bite your tongue, hard. Don't say
another word. Don't snicker and don't sneer. Just say it
straight faced and let it go at that. You can tell yourself that
since you did NOT hurt them, you are NOT sorry. They can tell
themselves that you are sorry since they feel that you did hurt
them. You don't actually confess to any crimes. Besides what if
on some level without knowing it, you did hurt them in some way?
Wouldn't you want to have said sorry for at least that tiny
part? Soon peace began to show itself at my house. They would
both smugly tell themselves that they had won the war of the
day. I would get the much needed peace and tranquility that I
needed.
It didn't take long at all for me to see that this statement
works just as well in the adult world too. Try it at work on a
coworker some time and see how well they respond. Try it in your
marriage. Try it with your extended family. It works on so many
different levels. It can be said in light disagreements or in
major all out family wars. It always works. On some level you
mean it, except for the parts where you don't. Don't get into
arguing over exactly what parts of the fight you are sorry for
or taking blame for. Agree not to bicker over the details of the
apology. You can expand it to say, "If during our disagreement,
I have said or done anything that has hurt you, I am sorry. That
was not my intention. I never wanted to hurt you." You are not
lying and you are offering an olive branch. You really did not
want to hurt the other person. You simply wanted to make your
point. This allows you to save face but still begin the healing
process. Try it sometime.
I don't think it works for really heinous things like rape,
murdering someone's loved one, arson, or all out military
warfare. It only works for forgivable stuff. If you believe
everything and everyone is forgivable, then you can try saying
it, but I expect nobody will really buy into it. If Hitler said
it to the Jewish peoples or Charles Manson said it to his
victims' families, I doubt seriously that it would have created
any real peace. When something truly ugly happens, you do have
to flat out admit full guilt and a full real apology is
mandatory before real forgiveness and healing can even begin to
occur.
This form of apology isn't for that sort of thing. This is meant
only for the hundreds of petty squabbles that we get drawn into
and it's a way to create a general atmosphere of peace and
healing. This is for the people that you ultimately want to stay
close to. This is an apology for those annoying people that you
love with all your heart, but don't want to fight with anymore.
Copyright 2004, Skye Thomas, Tomorrow's Edge