We Teach Others How to Treat Us

Recently a subscriber wrote with the following problem: "I need your help making a decision. I recently had a situation where someone that I was dating got into my e-mail account and read the mail in my "sent" folder. There were personal things in there that I had forgotten. "When I realized what had happened, I confronted them and they were honest and said that they had issues relating to trust and they felt really bad about doing what they did. Since I had nothing to hide, I was okay with the whole thing, but..... "My question to you is...What would you do with someone like this? "Please give me your input and help me figure out whether I should feel as violated and as hurt as I do. Your friendship means a lot to me and I know that you will help me make sense of this situation." Love, Adrian (fictitious name) MY RESPONSE FOLLOWS: Rosella here. Since you asked, I'll be frank with you. You probably figured I would be, eh? :-) Gotta take care of my buddy, you know! First of all, you ask for help to figure out whether you should feel as violated and hurt as you do. Adrian, it's not a question of "should" or "shouldn't." Feelings are neither good nor bad, they just ARE, so if that is how you feel, you need to honor those feelings. We're so used to trying to bend ourselves like pretzels in an effort to please and accommodate others. Sure, we need to try to get along well with other earthlings, but NOT to the disregard and detriment of our own feelings. If you are feeling violated and hurt, you need to respect that and then examine why... According to your code of ethics, what this person did was a serious breach of trust. (I happen to agree with you, but what I think is not really the issue. It's what YOU think that counts.) Having been caught, this person suddenly became "honest" and repented. You say that since you had nothing to hide, you were "okay with it." Obviously you're NOT okay with it, or you wouldn't be seeking advice right now. And I think that what you're REALLY seeking is PERMISSION to feel what YOU feel! Adrian, you are the only one who can give yourself that permission, AND you are also the only one who can deny yourself that permission. DO YOU SAFEGUARD YOUR MONEY MORE THAN YOUR HEART? Let me give you an analogy here. As a general rule, we humans tend to be more careful with our money than with our own emotional well-being, so let's say that this person didn't invade your private email box, but instead they invaded your private cash stash. You with me? Now, when you catch this person, they get all shame-faced and apologetic and blubber on about having "financial issues." Now, nice guy that you are, you WANT to believe that this person really feels bad about having tried to steal from you, and no harm has REALLY been done since you had just gone to the bank and deposited the few thousand dollars that had been accumulating. Your "friend" only found 83 cents. Now, my question to you is this: What would you do with someone like this? Granted, this isn't a perfect analogy, Adrian, but does that shed a slightly different light on the situation for you? Getting back to the real situation, we teach people how to treat us. If you accept the "apology" and elect not to express the true depth of your feelings candidly, you are in essence teaching this person that they may disrespect you by invading your privacy. And it will be okay with you because you'll stuff your feelings in order to "make nice." RESPECT YOURSELF AND OTHERS WILL, TOO Adrian, it is NEVER okay for anyone to treat you disrespectfully. If you let someone get away with such behavior, then YOU become the one who is guilty of disrespecting yourself. Always strive to treat yourself, your feelings and your integrity as you would that of a beloved and respected true friend. You ARE that true friend. I understand this urge to people-please, and I also understand how damaging it is to one's own sense of self. There's great joy in having someone stand up for you. And it feels even better when you yourself are the one doing it! It's funny how we can put a different face on the same situation and all of a sudden, we don't recognize what we may have just learned. No matter. If we keep going to bat in our own favor, we get to where we can spot knotty situations before they have a chance to materialize. And so we grow stronger each day, becoming a better friend to our own person, and our own hero. We learn to crave validation from the only source that really matters, our very own self. I applaud you for not just stuffing your feelings, Adrian. Good work! And thanks for letting me share with you. Take care now, my friend. Love and respect, Rosella