How To Deal With Difficult People Part 3 - The Passive
Aggressive
Thirty-three year old Roberto had promised his wife Tina that he
would be home after work in time for her to attend her weekly
"women's group" at her church. Having only one automobile, Tina
was completely at the mercy of Roberto's promise.
You guessed it! Roberto did not show up until 8:45 PM-way too
late for Tina to attend her meeting. Rather than being
apologetic, however, Roberto explained to Tina (who was outraged
at this point) that he "couldn't help it" because "I had to help
a friend out who's car had broken down." He lamented "How could
I let Michael down? He was best man at our wedding."
Was Tina being unreasonable in her anger? After all, Roberto was
helping out a mutual friend. Yet, looking deeper into this
situation, turns out that Roberto really didn't want Tina to
attend those meetings because it was "putting ideas into her
head."
Yet, he couldn't just forbid Tina from attending, so he handled
the situation in an underhanded way-sabotaging her attendance in
a way that would still make him look good.
After all, he could argue, what reasonable person would get mad
at someone who was late because he was helping out a friend?
The Anatomy Of Passive Aggression Passive-Aggression is a
psychological mechanism for handling hostility or anger in an
underhanded or devious way that is hard for others to prove.
Sometimes the passive-aggressive is aware of what he or she is
doing, and other times not.
Yet, the result is the same-things are sabotaged by the
passive-aggressive and it somehow is never their fault. A really
good passive aggressive is very slippery with excuses,
justifications, or alternative reasons for why things go awry.
Passive-Aggression may not be expressed directly in behavior-but
in words or humor. Sarcasm which communicates hostility is often
a tool of the passive-aggressive person, as are jokes made at
your expense.
Some common examples of passive- aggressive behavior:
* When conversing with someone who is angry at you, they leave
out important information which gives you the wrong impression.
* Talking behind the back of a coworker in a harmful way-
gossiping.
*Exaggerating the faults of your spouse (behind his or her back)
to your parents while maintaining "sweetness" toward your
spouse.
* Playing dumb or inadequate to frustrate someone or gain
advantage. .
* Upset with your wife's weight, you "affectionately" call her
"pork chop" in public in a way that appears playful on the
surface.
Dealing with passive-aggressive behavior is extremely
challenging because a really good passive aggressive is very
slippery. Often, too, you may not be sure if you have been the
victim of passive aggressive behavior-or not. You may be feeling
angry and upset, but not sure why or if it is justified.
How do you tell? One way to identify it is to look for patterns
in someone's behavior - not just isolated incidents. For
instance, if Roberto generally is dependable and is home on time
for Tina to attend her meetings, the one "miss" may not be
motivated by passive-aggression. However, if he often sabotages
Tina's attendance while denying he is doing so, a behavior
pattern is evident. What should you do to deal with passive-
aggression once you have identified it?
Three tips to cope with passive aggressive behavior:
Tip #1- Directly confront the behavior and ask if the person is
angry at you. For instance, ask "You called me pork chop
tonight. Do you have issues with my weight?"
Tip #2. Be on guard and don't trust what the person says or
commits to. Develop a Plan B. For instance, Tina could have
arranged for someone else to pick her up for the meeting in case
Roberto didn't make it home on time.
Tip #3. Use assertive communication skills to let a person know
how what they do affects you and makes you feel. Try something
like "I heard you repeat something that I told you in
confidence. That really hurt me; please don't do it again
because I would like to trust you."
2005