Gift Yourself: How to Rid the Holidays of Must, Could Have and
Should
Copyright 2005 Vivian Banta
It's that time of year again. Some people call it the holiday
season and as much as I enjoy it, I have an additional name for
it as well: "The Must/Have To, Could Have and Should Season." In
my mind, part of the reason, people are so stressed during the
holidays has to do with all of the "must/have tos" that are
running through their brains. So, they indulge themselves in
various ways to compensate for the unhappiness derived from the
pressure of the "have tos." Then, there comes the time of sober
reflection towards the end of the year which I call the "could
haves." Finally, there are the pledges to "do better" next year,
which I call the "shoulds." No wonder people greet the season
with equal amounts of joy and trepidation!
I am always amazed when people tell me that they "must go" to an
event like a holiday party or "have to" buy a gift for someone.
They express no joy in it and in fact are usually conjuring up
some way to avoid it altogether. They are baffled when I ask,
"Who says you must go? Why do you have to get them anything?"
When they give me their justification and I respond,"Then it
sounds like you made a choice about it", they are even more
confused. This is not surprising when you consider that many
people have not set boundaries of behavior for themselves.
Not setting boundaries or enforcing them really speaks to your
sense of self-worth. When you refuse to establish these
guidelines, it says that you don't value or respect yourself
highly enough. For instance, in the example of the friend who
doesn't want to attend the holiday party, instead of politely
declining, the person is wracking their brains for a suitable
excuse not to attend (sick child, flat tire, etc.) as if their
desire not to go is not a good enough reason to say "no."
So, what would it look like if you did value and respect
yourself enough to be in choice about the things you do, the
people you allow to be around you and the way in which people
treat you? By declaring and enforcing your boundaries, you will
have: 1. People in your life who respect you and themselves 2.
More energy because you are not being drained by feelings of
guilt and fear 3. Higher standards in all aspects of your life.
Having boundaries looks pretty attractive, doesn't it? So, give
yourself a gift this season and choose to set and reinforce them.
Another holiday phenomenon is seasonal blues. It's well known
that the holidays can bring up feelings of sadness, stress, and
anxiety as people reflect on the past year and their lives. Some
see the dreams that were not realized, the opportunities missed,
the goals not accomplished. Others regret actions taken,
decisions made and moments lost in the whirl of living. Still
others ponder unfulfilling jobs or unhappy relationships.
While it is a good and healthy thing to review the past, it is
not productive to replay these things over and over in your head
and kicking yourself over them. I call this playing the
"could've, should've, would've" game. It doesn't move you
forward and stifles your happiness with the present. So, yes,
review past events but choose to change, accept or release them.
You cannot change history but you can make a new future for
yourself.
One possible outcome from reviewing your past and creating
boundaries is to find yourself in choice about what you "want
to" include in your ideal life. How different that is from "have
to" and "could haves", huh?!
Some people, though, miss the next step in creating an effective
outcome. Come January, people start making lists of New Year's
resolutions. And the key words they use are "I should
fill-in-the-blank." How do you feel when you hear "should"? I
know that I am immediately turned off when I hear "should." Most
of us are and because of all the negative feelings that come up
with the word "should", a lot of us never achieve our New Year's
resolutions.
Instead of choosing goals that you think you ought to have on
our list or selecting changes that other people think we should
make, how powerful would it be if you just chose ones that you
"want" to happen? Perhaps, if you did, you wouldn't drag your
feet so reluctantly and with so little energy to try to fulfill
them. Instead of having to push yourself to achieve your
resolutions, you'd be excited about the things you want to do.
Let's face it: what is more appealing: A list of chores or a
list of desires?
So, let's say you choose the "want to" list. If you want to
invite good things into your life and make changes, you have to
have room. A lot of people with all the best intentions find
themselves unable to complete this last step because their lives
are too crowded to allow for change. Just as it is impossible to
redecorate a room if it's stuffed full of furniture and
knickknacks, so, too, you must create a space in which to allow
yourself to grow. Artificial a line though it is, the New Year
is as good a time as any to clear your life of stuff you don't
need, don't want, and want to let go. Once you have some room,
you'd be surprised how easily you can fill it with the stuff you
want.
So, in this season of giving, give yourself the gift of
self-care and growth!