The New Marriage - Part One of Four
If life is a journey across uncertain terrain, love is the
mountain commanding the landscape. When you scale that mountain
and survey the area, everything falls into place, and everything
makes sense. You can see forever, and it all seems so simple.
"Why did it take so long to get here?" you wonder.
>From ground level, if you can even see the peak, obscured as it
so often is by unsuitable weather and intervening hills, scaling
love's heights may seem an impossible task. Some people never
set foot on the path; others fall by the wayside after
encountering an obstacle or two. Still others settle for
temporary respite, lured by the attractions of oases in an
immense, empty desert. There is much to be said for the comfort
afforded by casual relationships, but a watering hole cannot
sustain life indefinitely, and sometimes what seemed an oasis
turns out to be just a mirage.
No doubt there are many false starts, detours, and dead ends on
life's journey. There are pitfalls and jungles where fearsome
beasts lie in wait, but there are also magnificent gardens where
the sweet fruits of success, family, friends, good feelings and
well-being proliferate. One can live and do well in such places,
but life without true love and deep intimacy leaves one feeling
somehow unfulfilled, somehow cheated.
The terrain may be rocky, but your age, gender, or sexual
preference shouldn't be obstacles. It helps if your heart has
already been broken. Fixing a broken heart is easier than
setting out on a journey blindfolded by inexperience.
Even after you've made your journey through the valley and
emerged on the other side, you'll encounter a certain adjustment
period when you come to grips with your partner's faults. You
might get angry about those faults. You might not be able to
accept that your partner isn't the perfect person you imagined.
To deal with this, another trip to the valley might be
inevitable. However, once you've been there, it's not nearly as
big a drop-off as before, because you have the tools to cope and
you won't get stuck.
Because so many of our committed relationships are based on
childhood expectations, we have little idea of what it takes to
maintain a successful adult relationship. After experiencing the
heights of early romantic love, most of us are ready to call it
quits when faced with the rigors of daily living. We are
unprepared for the journey it takes to reach lasting love. For
those of us who believe in fairy tales, this new terrain is
foreign and unmapped. No one has shown us how to traverse it, or
given us directions on how to get there.
Through the ages there have been couples who, despite cultural
barriers, have maintained a lived experience in their marriages.
How have they accomplished this? Carl Jung believed that there
is great wisdom in spiritual traditions, literature, and
mythology. Most fortunate couples throughout the ages, who have
learned to live according to these deeper truths, beat the odds.
It has become clear to me through my own personal and
professional experiences that there are some universal truths
that provide a model for fulfilling relationships, regardless of
programmed learning from childhood or cultural limitations.
These truths transcend culture and our own limited egos.
Copyright 2005 Linda Miles Ph.D