7 Ways to Soothe your Shyness
Copyright 2005 Uncommon Knowledge Ltd
Shy people instinctively know that they are missing out. Shyness
equals lost opportunities, less pleasure and fewer social
connections. Shyness can be crippling but there are tried and
tested ways to make it a thing of the past.
When I was fifteen I was shy. I recall an attractive girl
attempting to engage me in conversation. My shyness made me
focus on me instead of her. I heard my own voice but not hers
and I thought about what I was trying to say instead of what she
was trying to say.
The formula for shyness is "too much focus on the self" plus
anxiety. To make it even more unpleasant, sometimes when you are
feeling shy you experience physical sensations which 'hijack'
your calm logical self.
My pulse raced, my mouth dried up and I felt like the village
idiot! I couldn't think what to say so I said nothing apart from
making barely audible grunting noises! Cary Grant eat your heart
out! When I detected pity in her eyes (or was it contempt, or
boredom) I mumbled my excuse and got out of there. I hated being
shy and was determined to change it.
How shyness is developed and maintained
Shyness really is a combination of social anxiety and social
conditioning. To overcome shyness you need to learn to relax
socially. This enables you to direct your attention away from
yourself and gives you the space to practice certain
conversational skills. In most cases, the heightened emotions of
socializing when young simply condition the sufferer to respond
to social events with fear, instead of excitement and pleasure.
Relaxed socializing is so pleasurable, not to say productive,
but it is an advantage denied to many until they learn to relax.
To start reducing your own shyness, I want you to absorb the
following tips and ideas and start to put them into practice:
1) Think about the way you feel and behave around familiar
people you are comfortable and spontaneous around. It's that
feeling transferred to new people and situations that equates to
your emerging social confidence.
2) Focus your attention away from yourself. Sure, you can think
a little bit about how you are coming across, but if all your
focus is on your own words and feelings then you might as well
be by yourself. Notice what other people are wearing and make a
mental note, listen to their conversation, imagine where they
might live, make a point of remembering names. Not only does
this give you more to talk about, it also 'dilutes' social
anxiety leaving you feeling calmer.
3) Ask people open questions. Many people like to talk about
themselves and will find you interesting if you find them
interesting. Ask questions that require more than a 'yes'/'no'
response such as 'What do you like about this place?' rather
than: 'Do you like this place?' Once they've answered use
'add-on' questions connected to the first such as: 'What other
places do you like in this city...?' Next you can express your
views. This is a great way to get the conversation going. If the
conversation doesn't 'take' then no matter, you've done your bit.
4) Stop trusting your imagination so much! Have you ever had an
imaginary picture in your mind of a holiday destination only to
arrive and find the reality is different from the way you had
imagined? That's how reliable imagination is. Stop imagining
what others think. I do lots of public speaking and I've long
since stopped trying to second guess what others think of me -
it's just too painful. Besides, what a person thinks about you
has a lot more to do with who they are than who you are.
5) Stop using 'all or nothing' thinking. The 'completely
this/completely that' style of thought occurs when you are
emotional. People who are depressed, angry or anxious see
reality in terms of differing extremes, simplistic all or
nothing terms. An angry person is 'right' and you are 'wrong';
the depressed person feels like a 'failure' while others are a
'success'. In reality, life is composed of infinite gray areas.
So stop fearing that you might say the 'wrong' thing! Or that
people will 'hate' you. Once you start to relax more socially
you'll notice much less black or white thinking because anxiety
actually causes you to think in all or nothing terms.
6) Take your time. You don't have to blurt things out. Ask
questions and if questions are asked of you can take time to
consider your response (within reason). Don't just blurt out
what you think might be the 'right' answer. A slow answer is a
relaxed answer.
7) Finally, use hypnotic rehearsal. Hypnosis is the quickest way
to change your instinctive/emotional response to any situation.
Only think about meeting others when your mind and body is
relaxed. This conditions you to associate relaxation with being
around new people. In fact you'll find that when you relax
deeply enough often enough whilst hypnotically rehearsing being
comfortable around others you'll reach the point where you just
can't be shy any more! This is what I call a 'happy inability!'
I now love meeting new people and suspect that my current social
confidence would be unrecognizable to my fifteen year old self.