The Path of Relationship
THE PATH OF RELATIONSHIP
Each month after completing and fine tuning Letters on Life I'm
excited about sending it out. Within a few hours I start to
wonder about the next letter and whether people will like it. Is
it going to be good enough? Because of this concern I
procrastinate and wait until the last minute to start writing
the next letter. Underlying this version of the fear of
rejection or the fear of failure is the question "am I good
enough?" We all have that fear in some form or the other usually
stemming from an incident in our youth. Let me share with you
when it started for me.
I was away from home for the first time at UC Berkeley. There is
always someone you meet that you look up to who seems to have
all the answers. Mike Breen was that guy for me. I had just
turned 17 and at 19 Mike seemed to possess that wisdom and
experience about girls that was missing in my life.
I remember the defining conversation like it was yesterday..
"Mike what do you do if you meet a girl and you really like her
and maybe even love her?"....And Mike coolly replied with that
air of maturity and experience, "you tell her how you feel". I
confusingly asked "What if she says she doesn't love you back?"
That was one of my biggest fears and a few years later at the
end of my junior year I felt that pain of rejection when my girl
friend Bobbi told me she loved someone else. I made the decision
that I would never feel that pain again so I avoided anyone who
could hurt me like Bobbi did. By looking back and examining some
of my old patterns I understand what I did to avoid the
possibility of experiencing this pain again.
One thing I did was to select partners who I knew did not fit my
picture of the person I wanted to be with. By finding enough
faults with them I could keep them at a distance and eventually
move on to avoid getting hurt. Another approach was to select a
partner who was emotionally unavailable. They were hopelessly
self centered, in other relationships or real afraid of intimacy
because of the same wounds that I had experienced. If I was
really honest with myself it was obvious from the very
beginning.
Even though I felt that I wanted a life long partner, this
pattern of avoidance lasted for many years. During this phase of
my life I had engaged many teachers and mentors and participated
in many personal growth workshops and always on some level my
focus was on overcoming my barriers to having a great
relationship. Sometimes there's a saying or a poem that sticks
with you and makes the biggest difference in your life. For me
it was the following quote by Anais Nin that inspired me in my
quest. "And the day came when the risk to remain closed in a bud
became more painful than the risk to blossom."
Have your ever thought about the connection between trust and
risk. To have a great relationship you must take a risk...You
must be vulnerable. As you are able to increase your capacity to
risk you also increase your capacity to trust. As my attitudes
and beliefs shifted I was able to embrace my fears, overcome my
barriers and attract my soul mate. Annie believes in me and
brings out the best in me. We have been on this journey together
for over 21 years. I would like to share with you a few of my
insights that have enabled me to embrace this path of
relationship. In a subsequent article I will share with you some
of my insights as to what is necessary to deepen this journey.
We all want to be with someone who we think is special.
Regardless of how special they are if they are not interested in
you the same way you are interested in them it will never work.
Ask yourself if they love you in the way you want to be loved?
If they are self absorbed and self centered they probably won't
be capable of loving you in the way you want. I think most of us
really know the truth in the beginning but we long so much for
this special type of relationship that we overlook the obvious.
Sometimes we start to think that perhaps there's something wrong
with us so we give up on what we really want. We change our
values and choose a partner that on some level we know isn't the
right one. We usually have a mental image or concept of the kind
of person we want to be with. If your partner does not fit that
image your emotions and heart will be in conflict with your mind.
We all have dreams and goals. Honor them by asking yourself if
you and your partner share the same dream. If you have different
dreams and a different vision it's going to be difficult for the
relationship to reach its fullest potential. Pay attention to
the clues. If you desire a long term relationship and pick a
partner who hasn't had a relationship greater than six months,
the likelihood is that this new relationship won't last much
longer. I know there are many books written on relationships.
These are just some of my thoughts...I realize that a lot more
can be said and in the next letter I will focus on things you
can do to enhance the quality of your relationship and to deepen
your connection. I hope my experiences and insights inspire
possibility in your life Feel free to pass this letter on to
those in your circle.