Welcome to my stress-free world
Welcome to my stress-free world By David Leonhardt
What the world needs more of is...stress.
Sadly, I must deliver a formal apology to all 17,124 subscribers
to my newsletter, A Daily Dose of Happiness, for running a
series on stress reduction tips and wasting their time in such a
frivolous fashion, when they could be using that time to watch
the all-oatmeal channel, polish their medicine cabinet shelves
or mow the shag rug.
I've noticed lately that the world is undergoing a severe stress
shortage. Consider a few facts.
The US election is showcasing two perfect human beings,
courageous leaders, generous to a fault, humble and eager to
work with one another to create a heaven on earth...and in Iraq
(Where else would one find Heaven?).
The European Union is proving to be the very model of
cooperation as France eagerly removes the yolk of tax
oppression, suggested by Poland, to cut its 0.02% unemployment
even further.
Osama Bin Laden has issued an ultimatum, warning all terrorists
that he will personally pour their choice of vanilla soda or egg
nog on anyone thinking nasty thoughts.
And Hugh Hefner has been working tirelessly with young boys to
help them understand the value of celibacy before marriage.
That's just the world. I have noticed around my own home that
3-year-old Little Lady gets dressed all by herself, and so does
Little Sister.
Lately, I have been able to find everything I am looking for
immediately, never having to look in the fridge for, say, my
razor.
Nothing seems to break down anymore, (especially not the water
pump, the satellite TV signal, the electric screwdriver, the car
battery, the calking around the front window, or my nervous
system). This computer just doesn't want to crash anymore.
And I just can't get the #@$&*% toast to burn anymore!
Best of all, my wife and I agree on everything, including how to
raise our children, even what we would do if one of them in her
teenage years declares herself to be an alien implant on Earth,
sent on a search and destroy mission for all fast food on the
planet. We even agree on whether the cauliflower and broccoli
should be overcooked or not (It should not!)
In this perfect world, there is no need for the stress reduction
tips I shared with my subscribers from the book "Why Make
Yourself Crazy?"
I must state for the record that I do not need a reason to make
myself crazy. This is a free country and I can make myself crazy
if I want to.
I am deeply contrite for having suggested to my subscribers that
they might need a reason to make themselves crazy. Many of them
live in free countries, too. They do not need a reason to make
themselves crazy, either, so they do not need stress reduction
tips
For example, there is no need for my readers to get more out of
life by doing less.
To start with, this is a ridiculous concept. We all know that
the more you put into anything, the more you get out of it. For
instance, if Bridget Jones had not put that blue string in the
pot, all she would have had was soup.
I say, cram your agenda. Cram. Cram. Cram. Put as much as you
can into life, so you can gets lots out of it. Never mind
wasting your time eating, sleeping or showering...OK, maybe
showering, but get as much done as you can today. You would not
want to die with windows unwashed now, would you?
And isn't it ridiculous to try to do one thing at a time and do
it well? That is such a waste of time. As a parent, I already do
one thing at a time.
In fact, I usually do many one things at a time...like carrying
a box from the basement to the second floor...oops, better stop
to clean up the spill on the rug before it sets, and...uh, oh,
gotta get Little Lady off of Little Sister before my
box-carrying gets interrupted by a hospital visit...come back
here Little Sister...oops, that might be the important call I
was waiting for...now where did I leave the phone...Little Lady
don't go upstairs by yourself...
The problem is that you just cannot schedule crises and
emergencies consecutively. They operate on a herd mentality. And
herds have nothing to worry about, so they don't have stress.
Welcome to my stress-free world.