Dating Advice: Should you play with madness?
I have a friend with a big problem, a guy who needs good dating
advice badly. All the women he dates are dysfunctional, and he
can't figure out why. Actually, most of the women he dates
aren't merely dysfunctional, they're psychotic.
In fact, when came to me for some dating advice, he told a story
about the last woman he dated, how she literally stalked him for
three months after their relationship ended, one day calling him
a "Nazi," the next calling him the sweetest guy on earth. It got
so bad he decided to sell his house and move out of state. No
joke, this is a true story.
However, this is NOT the first woman like this he's dated. In
fact, most women he's dated are like this. Now, you might think
this guy is bad looking and broke, a complete loser who just
can't "do any better." The truth, though is this: the guy's
6'2", in good shape, could pose for GQ, and does very well
financially. And, he can be a fun, witty guy to hang out with.
Why then, did this guy come to me for dating advice?
There are actually several answers to this question (and we
don't have time to cover all of them today), but many of them
have to do with what's called "map/model of the world," both his
and theirs. We'll talk about his in a later episode-for now,
just realize your outer world is a reflection of your inner
world. Obviously he's got some work to do on his inner world,
and he is taking my dating advice seriously, but for now let's
talk about map/model of the women he dates.
Just what is "map/model" of the world, and how will this help
your dating? It's simply how each individual human being views
the world-the sum total of our internal representations. Let me
give you an example that will clarify this. Let's say you and I
are listening to the radio and a particular song comes on. You
hate it, but I like it. Why? Because we both have different
maps/models of the world. Although the "input" (in this case the
song) was exactly the same, the "output" (our reaction to the
song) was different. Our "maps" create the differing output. How
we view the world is different. How each man responds to my
dating advice is different.
When you're screening women to see if they're worth spending
time with, you want to uncover as much of their map/model of the
world as possible. Why? Because how they've behaved in the past
(based on their map/model of the world) is how they will behave
in the future. And if the past behavior they've exhibited is
bad, their future behavior will be worse. (Take my dating advice
on this one!)
When my friend told me during this dating advice session about
his experience with this "crazy woman" I asked how they met,
what she said to him. It took me 15 minutes of listening to him
for me to determine, simply based on what she said to him, that
she was a "nonstarter", someone I would NEVER start a dating
relationship with. Why? Because she'd described several
instances of psychotic/stalking behavior in past relationships.
But, since he wasn't actively uncovering her map/model of the
world, and making decisions based on it, he got into a horrible
relationship. I would have avoided dating her completely.
So just how do you uncover a woman's map? By asking,
"elicitation questions" and actively listening. You want to look
for common patterns of behavior that reoccur in her past
relationships. Awhile back I met a woman online and we met at
Town Lake here in Austin for a walk. As we walked, I simply
asked her about her online dating experiences. Over and over she
said, "oh he kept following me, but he was a loser." Then I
asked her about her relationships, and she kept talking about
how guys "cheated on her all the time." How did she know they
were cheating, I asked? Well, she said, because I would drive by
their houses, and strange cars would be in the driveway. My
dating advice to anyone who exhibits this attitude is... don't
walk, run!
Now, if I'd pursued ANY type of dating relationship with this
woman, what do you think the outcome would have been? She would
have driven by my house, looking for "strange cars" and then she
would have accused me of "cheating." And then she would have
come to my place of work at odd hours to "confront me." Why?
Because that's what she did with all the guys who "cheated on
her."
Obviously I never met with her again, even though she was cute.
But many guys not heeding this very important nugget of dating
advice would have, because they were paying attention to looks,
not uncovering her map or model of the world. And the next six
months of their lives would have been HELL.
Listening for map/model of the world is a valuable skill to
develop, and some of the best dating advice I can give anyone.
You will find that uncovering someone's map of the world will
save you much frustration. . So