Differing Sexual Needs
Differing Sexual Needs
Robert Elias Najemy
Life Situations and Lessons Series
Fanny lost her desire for sexual contact early in her marriage.
This has become a serious problem for her husband Dennis.
Although he tries not to take it personally, he cannot help
feeling rejected and demeaned as a man. Also, his biological
needs cause him to suffer, especially at night.
Fanny loves Dennis and feels badly about her inability to make
love to him. She is blocked by a subconscious aversion toward
the male reproductive organ and the sexual act itself. Although
she is not aware of the reason, both the male organ and the act
of sex seem dirty to her. Her search into why she feels this way
has been fruitless until now.
Dennis also loves Fanny very much. This problem, however, causes
him to feel great injustice. He needs this contact physically
and emotionally. Fanny understands and respects his need, but
feels very much pressured by him and also suffers from an
unconquerable aversion when he approaches her sexually.
This fear of his approaching her causes her to avoid all
contact, even simple affection, so he will not be aroused and
the energy between them will not become sexual. She has begun
occupying herself with a many activities outside the home, using
up large quantities of energy and avoiding Dennis. She also
leaves on the weekends for seminars or retreats. She has found
some meaning, but also perhaps some escape.
This adds to Dennis?s feelings of injustice and hurt. He seldom
sees her at home and would like to spend some quality time with
his wife.
What could each of them have to learn?
Fanny:
1. Does she need to work more deeply on discovering the cause of
her fear and repulsion toward the male organ and sexual union?
2. Does she need to force herself to accept her husband sexually
even though she does not feel it? 3. Or is her lesson to accept
this problem and let her husband work it out from his end? 4.
Should she be staying home more with her family even if this
does not fulfill her as much as her other activities and even if
their material needs are cared for? 5. Should she be there at
home creating with her presence a sense of family? 6. Should she
feel responsible for Dennis?s unhappiness or not? 7. What does
she need in order to find a balance? 8. Does she need to free
herself from the belief that sex is dirty or evil? 9. Should she
give him more affection and loving affirmation so he can feel
her love? 10. Must she distinguish between affection, hugging
and caressing and sex? 11. Does she need to express her needs
and beliefs to him more clearly, lovingly and assertively
without feeling responsible for his reality? 12. Does she need
to overcome any negativity she is feeling toward him?
Dennis:
1. Should he pressure his wife to accept physical contact with
him? 2. Should he insist that she stay at home more? 3. Is his
lesson to accept this absence of sexual contact? 4. Is he in any
way doing something that repulses his wife? 5. Does he need to
understand her problem and not take this situation personally?
6. How can he find his happiness without doing injustice to his
wife? 7. Should he become less focused on the sexual level for
pleasure, relaxation or affirmation of himself as a man? 8. Can
he feel her love and caring for him without its verification
through the sexual act? 9. Does he need to discover if she may
not be having some negative feelings toward him because of
something he has or has not done? 10. Can he love and feel close
to her even if she cannot give him what he needs? 11. Should he
express his needs with an I- message, helping her to understand
how he feels? 12. Perhaps he should let her overcome this in her
own way and timing? 13. Has the time come to become more
spiritually oriented and direct his energies in other
directions? 14. Or to love and accept himself more and realize
that his self-worth is not dependent upon whether she wants him
sexually or not?
If you are in a position similar to Fanny or Dennis, look
through these lists of possible lessons and observe which seem
to ring a bell in your inner self. Also be aware that you may
have a number of the above-listed lessons as well as others
which are not listed.
Within you know your lessons. If you need help, visit
http://www.HolisitcHarmony.com for greater clarity.
(Adapted from the forthcoming "Relationships of Conscious Love"
by Robert Elias Najemy. His book "The Psychology of Happiness"
(ISBN 0-9710116-0-5) is available at http://www.amazon.com and
http://www.HolisticHarmony.com. His writings can be viewed at
http://www.HolisticHarmony.com where you can also download FREE
articles and e-books.