Resolving Conflicts By Turning Negatives Into Positives
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There are five techniques that I shall share with you. They have
been proved to be effective in resolving, minimizing, and
preventing conflicts. And by conflicts I am
referring to any of the following that take place between two or
more people: misunderstanding, miscommunications, arguments,
disagreements, mixed messages, fighting, etc.
A. I-Message: Use this approach to convey a message to
someone when:
* your communication and that of the other person might
become hostile;
* the communication might become a shouting match; or
* the words might turn to physical confrontation.
Put an I-Message into action by following these sequence
of steps:
1. Get his attention. (Call person by name.) "John, Bob,
Sue, Mary, ..."
2. Identify your emotion. (Identify and name the emotion
you are feeling.) "I feel/am happy, angry, mad, excited, etc.
..."
3. Name his misconduct. (Identify the behavior that is
offensive.) " ...when you slam the door, spill juice on the
clean floor, call me names, etc. ..."
4. State the consequence(s). (Identify the consequence
that you wish him/her to change. And stop! Be extremely cautious
not to ramble because by doing so you run the risk of throwing a
spark on the cinders.) "... because it/you causes me to jump,
have to remop the floor, be disrespected, etc."
Putting it together it should sound like this: "John, I get
angry when you slam the door because it makes me jumpy."
(Stop! Wait for a response!)
Research has shown that the response is 95-98%
non-confrontational or aggressive.) Remember: This
approach lets the person know that, although you disapprove of
his (or her) behavior, you still care about him.
B. You-Message: Use this approach when you want to
reflect to your listener what you're observing. [Reflect the
emotion.] (Identify and name the emotion you are observing.)
(Call person by name), "You seem happy, angry, mad, excited,
etc. ... "
C. Active Listening: Use this approach when you want to
let someone know that you're truly paying attention. Do so by
totally involving your eyes, ears, and body. Pay attention to
his body language, move close, cup your hand over your ear, lean
forward, etc.
D. Paraphrasing: Use this approach when you want to make
sure you did not miss what was said. "So, if I understood you
correctly, you said there were only 5 spaces."
E. Summarizing: Use this approach when you want to break
up lengthy conversations into smaller pieces that you can
remember and understand. Rather than let the other person ramble
on about what all he did last weekend, take control by asking to
tell you about each day's events before moving on the next.
Put it all together. Begin SOARING to the top of the
Mountain when you:
* Summarize when the conversation is becoming too lengthy.
* Observe to see if the body language matches the words
spoken.
* Actively listen to what is being said by making eye
contact.
* Reflect what you thought you heard.
* Indicate that you truly care about the doer and not
the deed.
* Name the misconduct to bring it out into the open.
* Go beyond the emotions to get to the facts.
Remember: When you maximize your potential; we all win.
When you don't, we all lose.