Emotional Infidelity: A Love Affair or Just Friends?
A common plea: But, we're "just friends." However the "emotional
connection" is quite obvious by the amount of time spent in
communication and the "vibes" that are set off.
These emotional connections often arise at work or in a social
context in which working intensively toward a common goal
consumes energy.
Here are a few observations of the "just friends" emotional affair:
1. This person often struggles knowing where to draw the line.
S/he often throws him/herself into something 100%. Other aspects
of his/her life may suffer or be ignored. There often is a lack
of personal balance between family, work, self care.
2. He/she struggles with intimacy. (I want to be close to
someone, but don't like intimacy.) The "just friends" emotional
affair means neither spouse nor OP (other person) ever get
"intimate." Neither relationship is fully consummated or has
potential for growth.
3. Of course the "just friends" comment means either "stay away"
or I'm, underneath all this, really confused about where I fit
in relationships, what I want from them, or what they mean to
me. There is an "emotional connection" to the OP that defies
description. A sad kind of "stuckness or lostness."
The lover or "falling in love" emotional affair has a different
twist.
The common complaint to the partner is: "I feel badly about
this, and I don't want to hurt you, but, I'm not "in love" with
you anymore. "I love you but I'm not in love." This often
indicates:
1. This person usually has a need for drama and excitement. Life
easily becomes a soap opera. Emotional juice from the fall-out
of emotionally intense relationships reigns rather than living
life from the core of who one is.
2. The person "looking for love" is actually looking for the
ideal, someone out there, who will project back to him/her that
he/she is OK. No, more than OK, close to perfect.
3. This person needs to be adored, or think another adores
him/her, because there is a lack of inner strength and solid
identity. The other becomes my world, because I lack a world.
Being "in love" is the panacea for my emptiness.
4. This type of affair often occurs when there is a "lull" in
the marriage relationship. The responsibility of raising
children, starting and maintaining a career, paying bills, etc.
become the focal point for the couple. Romance becomes a foreign
word.
There are many many subtle differences in affairs. Emotional
affairs are only one kind. Once you begin to see and understand
the differences, a new sense of empowerment overtakes you embark
on a more confident path of resolution.