How I Improved My Marriage Ten-Fold In One Evening
It seems unlikely that anyone could improve his or her marriage
in one evening. Well read on! Any positive step in the right
direction is an improvement that will continue as long as the
efforts continue to be made.
As our recent MarriageAdvice.com poll showed, more than 40% of
our 207 respondents identified that the single biggest
frustration in their marriage was that their husbands "Didn't
Communicate Enough".
Below is a 8-step process to insure that both partners are
communicating well.
Step #1 - Decide To Communicate
There are really only two options when it comes to
communicating...either you do it or your don't. It's better to
try and communicate and fumble around a bit than ignore the
problem until it explodes like a pent up volcano.
The wise spouse will work to resolve and discuss their feelings
before the lava of scalding words overflows.
Part of deciding to communicate will include setting aside a
time each week to discuss family needs and concerns. This would
also be a good time to resolve any minor conflicts that have
arisen during the week but weren't fully taken care of
previously.
Step #2 - Choose A Good Time
If a more heated conflict occurs, it's important to find the
right time to discuss the matter. Waiting for your scheduled
night for communicating would not be the best idea; however,
taking a little time to give both partners time to cool off is
important as well.
Working to resolve a big conflict should wait until a time when
both parties are not wrung out, angry, tire, or hungry. Your
physical state directly impacts your mental state and your
ability to work through problems in a rational manner.
Additionally, as we allow ourselves time to calm down, we are
better able to carefully think about what is really bothering us
besides this specific event. In many cases, the topic of the
current disagreement may not be the real problem.
As we take time to ponder and look for the root of the problem,
we are better able to expand our vision to the whole picture and
not just have tunnel vision of the current problem at hand. Keep
in mind, it may just be we've had a bad day and this problem was
the last straw.
It's much easier to resolve a problem when we have a better
perspective of what is really going on inside of our head and
heart.
Step #3 - Neutralize Defenses
Before you have a deep discussion on something that is bothering
you, consider two things. First, your spouse will be more
receptive to the discussion if you reinforce your love, and
express appreciation and confidence in their many attributes.
Second, you choose if you will be irritated or angry, so you
need to express yourself in a away that acknowledges your
responsibility for your feelings. "You make me so mad!" Really
is a false statement because you have allowed yourself to become
mad.
However,if you said, "When you make fun of me in front of our
friends, it embarrasses me and I feel angry and frustrated," you
would be giving a very accurate statement about what has
happened to you. Invite your spouse to help you solve this
problem you are having, then they become part of the solution,
not the problem.
Step #4 - Use Humor
Like they say, "laughter is the best medicine". It's true,
physiologically, it relieves stress, and mentally it gives you a
time out to relax. You will find that the longer you have been
married, the more you have to laugh about.
Many things that were painful or frustrating at the time can be
viewed with great humor years later.
Creating code words from some of these humorous events will help
relieve tensions when a similar event threatens to evolve.
When either my husband or I say something that is insensitive to
the work effort done by the other, all we have to say is "I hate
kidney beans", and the other one immediately realizes their
actions are bordering on being insensitive.
It's an easy way to control tense situations, prevent them from
escalating and elicit a sincere, "I'm Sorry."
A word of caution, be sensitive to the situation. There are
times when humor is neither appropriate or too late in coming
and will be viewed as sarcasm. Sarcasm has no place in true
efforts to communicate.
Step #5 - Be Fair
Be careful when discussing sensitive issues and don't fall into
touchy subjects that you know will enflame the argument.
Looking for fair solutions may require compromising or
acquiescing. Remember, you both need to give, sometimes a
little, sometimes a lot, to resolve conflicts.
Step #6 - Finding a Peaceful Stalemate
There are times when you need to just agree to disagree. You
don't always have to agree 100% with your spouse, so there are
occasions when a peaceful stalemate would be appropriate. It is
only a legitimate solution as long as it isn't just putting off
the blow up for another time.
A peaceful stalemate results in open discussion about your
differences, why neither of you feel you can change at this
time, and acceptance of each others differences.
Step #7 - Willingness to Change
When we truly feel loved, it gives us the freedom to risk
changing and growing into a new and improved version of our old
self.
As we nurture our marriage relationship, the love and acceptance
we feel will be liberating as we make minor and sometimes major
changes in whom we are.
Marriage is a wonderful opportunity to practice charity towards
our spouse and provide a safe relationship where growth can
occur.
Step #8 - Bolster Each Other
No matter what solution you have arrived at, it's important to
always express love and confidence in each other after a
disagreement. As we show this love in days to come, it will be
clear that no one is harboring ill feelings about the
disagreement and that it was truly resolved.
When both partners feel loved and supported in their
relationship after a disagreement, it's easier to resolve future
problems with love and respect.
By applying these communication steps, you have now discovered
how you can change your marriage in one evening. It will take
practice, but with time, you will discover that your marriage
has improved more than ten-fold.