Spouse Improvement: Influence Your Partner to Change in just 7
Steps
Everyone has something they'd like to change in their spouse.
Here is a 7-step process to create a change in your partner. The
key to the success of this process is that it makes your partner
want to change, instead of feeling coerced.
1. MAKE A LIST of the top three behaviors your partner does
that annoy you. For example, leaves messes around house, pouts,
doesn't do their share of household tasks. Then select the one
problem that has the best chance of your partner responding to
your discomfort. You'll increase your chances for success
dramatically by focusing on one problem at a time. Let's go for
a big one here and say the problem is that your partner is not
involved in household chores.
2. DESCRIBE THE PROBLEM in clear detail. This includes what
your partner does and your reaction to the problem. For example:
"Honey, there is a problem I need to discuss with you. When you
come home from work and start reading the mail, change your
clothes, or turn on the news without looking around and noticing
the kids are cranky, squalling for dinner, and I'm really busy
making dinner, I see you as a blind and insensitive clod."
3. DESCRIBE YOUR REACTION to the problem. "When you act so
oblivious, I think you care much more about responding to your
own needs first and foremost, and you pitch in only when it is
convenient for you. I feel angry, alone, and resentful. When I
feel that way I end up being chilly to you and withdrawing any
affection. I don't like how I react but that is what I have been
doing."
Here is the "formula" for describing the problem. A) You have
specified the behavior of "not being involved in household
chores" by giving specific examples.
B) You have given your reaction to it by stating: "when you do
(the behavior) I think_____ (you're inconsiderate...) and feel
_____ (angry, alone, resentful), and then I do _____ (withhold
affection). It is important to let your partner know what your
complete response is to the behavior that is a problem.
Especially let them know what you do when you think and feel the
way you do. This really informs your partner of the consequence
to them when they do the undesired behavior. Include in your
reaction the meaning of the problem for you. For example, lack
of involvement in household tasks represents not being loved,
respected, or valued.
4. BE EMPATHETIC. Tell your partner why you think it would be
hard for them to change the undesired behavior. This lets them
know you see the problem from both perspectives and that you
have an appreciation for what you're asking them to change. For
example, "Honey, I think pitching in when you get home would be
difficult because you feel depleted and want some time to
yourself in order to regenerate. I think pitching in at the
level I want is a lot to ask of you."
5. DESCRIBE HOW YOU WILL HELP. Because you're not just going to
make a request and then hope for the best, the next step is to
describe what you will do to help your partner make the change
you want. For example, "Honey, your pitching in when you get
home is so important to me that I will do _____________ ." (Fill
in here what you think will be a high motivator for your partner
to make the requested change.)
6. ASK IF THEY ARE WILLING to make the change you're
requesting. Are you willing to get involved in household chores?
They may agree to all or part or none of your request. They
might say "no" to you but would be more willing to consider the
change if you offered a different motivator or inducement to
change. Then you can decide if it is worth your efforts.
7. FIND OUT WHY. Regardless of whether they are willing to
change or not, ask why. Knowing why they are willing to change
will help you understand what motivates them. You'll be able to
encourage them more effectively along the way. If they don't
want to change, finding out why not will help you determine how
to move forward. In that case you still have two more options.
One, you can ask if this is a temporary or more permanent
position. If it seems there will be no change for now, let them
know the consequences-how you think, feel and act-and then drop
it for now. The second option is to go to the second problem on
your list and repeat the sequence described above.
Of course the biggest improvements in a couples' relationship
come when both people change and grow. But there are often
things you'd like your partner to change, and this format helps
you do it in a way that supports both of you. If you'd like more
help, consider attending "Coming from your Heart" at The Couples
Institute. Here you will learn lots of practical, innovative
strategies for relationship improvement. For information or to
register visit
http://www.couplesinstitute.com/couples/pete_workshop.html.