Its Not About Who's Right
I see this so much in my office- couples wanting to re-hash a
week old argument and wanting me to judge who's right. Detail by
detail they correct each other, exactly who said what, who did
what first, as if each admited detail is a score toward the
finish line.
But nobody really gets anywhere because there are no winners in
an argument between partners. If there's a winner that means
there's a loser, which means the winner loses too. Losers don't
like winners very much. (Which, by the way, leaves winners out
in the cold with frostbite you know where. )
Relationships are not about opponents or gladiators. They're
about loving your lover.
When you love you give the gifts of empathy and the benefit of
the doubt. You understand that your partner is probably feeling
hurt beneath the anger. You try to understand and ask for help
in understanding because you want to make it better.
When you are loved you receive the gifts of empathy and the
benefit of the doubt. You feel understood and appreciate the
empathy and efforts of your partner.
The more you are given, the more you receive. The more you
receive, the more you want to give.
It becomes a lot easier than the win thing.
copyright Maggie Vlazny, MSW 2005